Have a great summer.
Your number one fan,
P.S. You still owe me 20 bucks.
P.P.S. It’s been one helluva year, eh? What with ups and downs, rights and lefts.
A lot of lefts, come to think of it. A few ups. Mostly lefts.
Who would have thought, way back in September, that Doug Swingley would win his third straight Iditarod?
Who would have thought that Baltimore (and not Washington) would win its first Super Bowl in forever? You have to admit, by the way, that Edgar Allen Poe is a genius. Write a poem and sell out to a football team — what a way to expand your fan base. (Write that down kids.)
Who ever thought Jordan wouldn’t come back? Shame on you.
Who ever thought I’d still have a column this late in the year? Shame on me.
Who ever thought that Jim Druckenmiller and the Dolphins, Tom and Nicole, and Rick Ankiel and his sanity would split? Shame on us all.
Yep, it has been that crazy, carbonated milk, kind of year.
A Virginia Tech-product and greatest athlete ever, Michael Vick, is the top pick in the NFL draft — a first for the Hokies. Ah, life is good.
Well, Jordan’s coming back, right?
Media coverage of Vijay Singh’s Masters title defense is lost in a frenzy of tigers.
Baltimore wins the most boring Super Bowl in the history of mankind. Bring back the Gladiators!
The NBA season still exists. Just cut to the playoffs!
A Virginia Tech-product and greatest athlete ever, Michael Vick, gets jacked by the Heisman-choosing committee. Chris Weinke prevails. Next step for the 28-year old: Florida State basketball.
The BCS still exists, and Virginia Te– I mean Miami — gets jobbed from a national title appearance. Florida State can’t handle the pressure, and yet another boring, defensively oriented championship ensues. Playoffs! Playoffs! Hokies! Hokies!
Gone in 60 Seconds — a sly NASCAR promotion attempt — doesn’t win even one Oscar. Where’s the justice?
Pete Sampras’ back collapses. Coincidentally, so does men’s tennis. Bring back Leander Paes!
Rae Carruth and Darryl Strawberry drop their “Role Model” status. And are consequently jailed.
No Indians were cast in Remember the Titans. I hear Denzel beat out Leander Paes for the lead role. Can’t wait for Gandhi 2. And Short Circuit 3.
XFL, the Olympics, and the Subway Series battle for the lowest ratings ever. Thank God for cable. And Battledome.
Michael Schumacher becomes the Tiger Woods of Formula One racing.
Tiger Woods becomes the Michael Schumacher of golf.
And Jordan’s comeback ends the fruitless search for the heir to His Airness.
So there you have it. All that you need to know about the past year in sports.
Have a nice trip, see you next fall. (trip)
P.P.P.S. Thank you to all the whole cast and crew that make this flawless, top-of-the-line production possible. First and foremost, thanks to my parents for their endless wealth of support and advice. Second and foremost, thanks to the second-biggest Michael Vick fan on the planet, my little brother.
Thanks to Sean “Frankie Carbone” Molino for convincing me that this column is great, week in and week out. Thanks to James Yi for convincing me that this column sucks, week in and week out. Thanks to my friends for noticing that this production exists — even if you never read it. Thanks to Shiva, Gary, Amanda, Charles, and J.V. for making my trips down to the Sun worth it. Thanks to Michael Sharp ’99 for giving me the opportunity of a lifetime. And last and foremost, thanks to the readers, for reading. Cuz that’s what’s it’s all about.
And a special thanks to the Redskins for being the best goddamn football team on the planet.
P.P.P.P.S. Don’t forget the 20 bucks.
Archived article by Sumeet Sarin