November 13, 2001

Uncategorized

In Their Own Delirious World

By wpengine | November 13, 2001

Paul lounges on a brown football-shaped couch. Posters of NFL legends grace his walls. Jock Jams roars in the background. Enter David, followed by Bud.

PAUL: Good evening, gentlemen.

DAVID: Good evening, friend. (pause)

(Both turn to Bud.)

BUD: WASAAAAA-

DAVID: (sternly) Shut up, Bud.

BUD: Sorry.

PAUL: Anything to drink?

DAVID: A Bud for me.

(Bud giggles)

PAUL: Please, have a seat.

DAVID: Pigskin couches?

PAUL: But of course.

DAVID: Very nice. Not quite as nice as 100% composite leather though. Orange tinted leather, that is, with black pebbled composite leather channels.

PAUL: I beg to differ. Aren’t those little raised bumps thoroughly annoying?

BUD: Nothing beats a wooden couch.

PAUL: What?

DAVID: Wooden?

BUD: Tinted, not corked.

PAUL: Shut up Bud.

BUD: Sorry.

PAUL: Anyhow, we have an important purpose at hand, friends. An ominous cloud of problems hangs over our heads. (Bud looks up) The cool breeze of economic recession is upon us. It threatens the very sporting establishment we stand on. (Bud looks down) We are losing fans, losing advertising money, our legends are growing old, and people just don’t like us. Our worlds are slowly falling apart. MJ is still playing for crying out loud. Barry Bonds is a hero. Barry “Blow Me” Bonds.

BUD: Hey, don’t mess with Barry. He’s my friend.

PAUL: (continuing without pause) We are at a crossroads. This is our Battle of Yorktown. We must be cautious. It is time to open the umbrella of safety.

DAVID: Sounds familiar.

PAUL: Yes.

DAVID: I see.

(pause)

PAUL: So what do we do?

BUD: About what?

PAUL: About lost revenues! Fan apathy! Declining T.V. ratings!

BUD: Expand!

DAVID: Expand?

BUD: Contract!

DAVID: Contract?

PAUL: Now you’re onto something.

DAVID: That’s it! Rework the contracts for all our employees and place a maximum wage! (mutters) Blasted Kevin Garnett.

BUD: No, no, no, reduce the teamage. We have too many jerseys, too much equipment, and too much hassle.

PAUL: (aside) I had this very thought myself a few years ago, and the owners fell for it like the cool side of a pillow. I decided to create a new division called, South. How mysterious, some pondered. Ha, little did they know that in five years, I would plan to phase out Division South and all of its teams completely and funnel the gained into Dan Snyder’s pocket, who would in turn let me play for the Redskins. Ah, a lifelong dream come true.

DAVID: (aside) Cut teamage? Interesting. Those blasted Bucks almost ruined my ratings last year, I’d get rid of them first. A team in Milwaukee — how absurd. Next on my list? Ah yes, those cute little Grizzlies, wasting my money like there’s no tomorrow. Then the Clippers — turnaround shmurnaround, they’ve embarrassed me enough. Then the Bulls, definitely the Warriors, the Pistons, the Hawks . . ..

BUD: Who are you guys talking to?

PAUL: Shut up Bud.

BUD: Sorry. (aside) Everybody’s so mean to me. No one even likes what I do. Baseball represents boredom.

PAUL: Drollery beyond belief.

BUD: I know absolutely nothing about labor relations.

PAUL: Strike-shortened season? Incredulous!

BUD: And as if life wasn’t short enough, I need a new haircut. That blasted barber in Minneapolis ruined me!

(pause)

BUD: (aside) But there’s a way out. Yes, and the name of the game is contraction. First, get rid of the Twins. Blasted Minneapolis. Next, I’ll save some money by shutting down the Expos. Then, let the players strike to their hearts’ content, use replacement players, pay them less, keep the difference, buy out David and Paul, and rule the world. Yes, my friends, your fate is sealed.

PAUL: Something wrong, Bud?

BUD: (turns to Paul) How about if we raise ticket prices?

PAUL: Brilliant!

BUD: Remove half of the stadium seats and put in luxury boxes!

PAUL: Mmm, luxury boxes.

BUD: Charge money for listening to games over the Internet!

PAUL: Wow, Bud, you are ingenious.

BUD: Put more salt in the Popcorn! Make the hot dogs shorter! Cut down rosters! Get rid of pitching coaches! Sell out space on uniforms! RAIN, RAIN go away, big bad Bud is here to stay. (Exeunt Bud)

PAUL: I think he just lost it.

DAVID: . . the Lakers, the Sixers, the Knicks, the Nets . . .

Archived article by Sumeet Sarin

C.U. Suspends Hiring of New Staff Members

By wpengine November 14, 2001

In response to the economic dip following the Sept. 11 events, President Hunter R. Rawlings III announced yesterday a University-wide hiring freeze. The University has suspended all non-student and non-academic staff hiring until at least June 30, 2002. “The national economic downturn and the aftermath of the events of Sept. 11 have sent shock waves throughout our nation and abroad,” Rawlings said. “We are not unmindful of the external forces that have already affected and will continue to affect our work. … The economic slowdown that was already well under way prior to Sept. 11 has had an impact on the size of the University’s endowment.” According to Rawlings, the 7.8 percent drop in the absolute value of the endowment as of the end of the last fiscal year was the largest decline the University has seen in 20 years. This decrease mirrors the nation-wide downward economic trend, which could increase the need for financial aid and reduce the ability to fund programs on campus. “Thanks to the prudent payout policy the university has implemented for many years, there is no need for an immediate reduction in the payout level to participating colleges and programs across the campus,” Rawlings said. Rawlings, however, did state that the sudden drop in tax revenues and the necessary redirection of funds toward public safety, public health and infrastructure redevelopment could negatively affect Cornell in the years to come. The University will make exceptions in the freeze for positions that are essential to an organization’s function or to safety. In addition, job offers already made will not be retracted. Rawlings has appointed a Workforce Planning Team to assess the University’s current state of affairs and assist in decision-making. The team of deans and administrators has met three times and will continue to meet throughout the year. According to Henrik N. Dullea ’61, vice provost for University relations, the team was instrumental in issuing yesterday’s memorandum and is making strides toward achieving a more efficient budget. “The team will be looking at different areas across the colleges to see if we can be as effective as possible with limited resources,” Dullea said. Susan Henry, the Ronald P. Lynch dean of the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences (CALS) and a member of the Workforce Planning Team, stated in a previous interview with The Sun that to combat a restricted budget CALS would have to turn to areas other than the state for funding. “In the long term, we can have a good effect in this college by raising money like the endowed colleges,” Henry said. “We anticipate a tight budget until New York City makes a recovery. … We might have to look conservatively at new programs and hiring.” Despite a limited budget, Rawlings ensured that faculty hiring will be exempted from the freeze. Faculty salary, according to Dullea, will also not be affected, because Cornell wants to “continue to recruit and retain the best possible faculty.” Dullea also stated that because most of Cornell’s staff hiring is internal, the Ithaca community is not likely to experience a job shortage or other financial rebounds. Although the University is uncertain of how many jobs will be left open, substantial savings are expected. “We are looking for ways to gain efficiency over time, which presumably means having a smaller staff or getting more productive results from the same number of people,” said Walter Cohen, vice provost and member of the Workforce Planning Team. According to Cohen, the freeze is only a temporary solution; reorganizing staff positions will in the long run reduce the costs. With the ebb and flow in the University’s staff hiring processes interrupted, Cornell will be able to catch its financial breath by not filling positions that are voluntarily vacated. “I think [the freeze] is a real opportunity for all of us to look carefully at what we are doing in our respective areas to see if we can [do things] more efficiently,” Dullea said. “Some things we are doing might not need to be done and might not be as high a priority.” The Workforce Planning Team anticipates a preliminary solution to some of the University’s present financial issues, but expects progress to emerge slowly, even after the freeze is no longer in effect. “We are looking toward more difficult economic times because the state government funds us and they are in trouble now, so we will have to be a little more prudent,” said Cohen. “We are not in a crisis, but we are under a bit of pressure. I would predict the freeze will work, but workforce planning is the challenge for the long term.” Archived article by Rachel Einschlag
S.A. Requests Release of Budgets

By wpengine November 14, 2001

The controversy surrounding the funding of the Cornell Women’s Resource Center’s director continued yesterday after Student Assembly (S.A.) President Uzo Asonye ’02 formally requested that the budgets of the offices of Student and Academic Services and Dean of Students be released to students. Asonye wrote on behalf of the S.A. to Susan Murphy ’73, vice president of student and academic services, and Kent Hubbell, dean of students, yesterday about an S.A. resolution passed on Nov. 9, which “authorizes the S.A. president to formally request the budgets of the Offices of Student and Academic Services and Dean of Students,” according to the letter. The Cornell Women’s Resource Center (CWRC) has been a part of Cornell’s campus since the 1970s and provides an 800-book lending library, support services, a literary magazine and programming for women. The Student Assembly (S.A.) has paid the $30,000 salary of the CWRC’s director since 1998 from the student activity fund, which cos each student four dollars annually. The S.A. has agreed to continue to help pay for the programming costs of the CWRC — approximately one dollar per student — but is urging the administration to pay the salary of the center’s director, Kelly Connison. Asonye ’02 said that the CWRC is “one of the most important things at Cornell,” and that funding for its director is absolutely necessary. He noted the reason that the S.A. is requesting the budgets is “so that we can point out sources where money can be shifted and reallocated. … [T]here definitely should be student input.” Asonye said that by finding places where the budget can be changed, the administration should be able to find the money to support Connison’s salary. He also stated that the University hiring freeze shouldn’t affect any decisions about the fate of the CWRC. In a statement yesterday, President Hunter R. Rawlings III said that the economic status of the country, compounded by the Sept. 11 events, has caused a drop in the absolute value of the University’s endowment. In response, he is “directing the implementation of a university-wide hiring freeze” on all non-academic and non-student positions effective immediately and lasting until at least June 30, 2002. Asonye said that the hiring freeze shouldn’t have an effect because the S.A. is already funding the position for two years, from August 2000 to July 2002. If the freeze ends on June 30, 2002, as stated, Asonye said, “the administration wouldn’t take over [funding the CWRC] until August of 2002.” Asonye noted that the University’s financial problems should further encourage the administration to fund Connison’s salary. “In times of financial turbulence … you show what you really appreciate,” Asonye said. More support for Connison came in an open letter to Murphy and Hubbell which ran Monday in The Sun. Twenty-five organizations signed their support. The letter urged the University to “ensure the stability of the resource center by funding the salary of the full-time director, who continuously spearheads initiatives long after graduating students leave.” Alexandra Sanchez ’03, president of the Cornell Democrats, said that endorsement of the letter was a unanimous decision among members of the organization. “Being a very pro-women political organization, we definitely support everything the CWRC stands for,” Sanchez said. According to Sanchez, the contribution made by the CWRC to the Cornell campus is “vital,” and she called the request for funding Connison’s salary “logical and compelling.” Omega Phi Beta sorority also signed the letter supporting University funding of the CWRC. “The resource center has always been an ally, especially to sororities,” said June Jimenez ’02, president of Omega Phi Beta. Jimenez said that the CWRC is “invaluable” because it gives women a place to safely express themselves at Cornell. Dean Hubbell said that the support for funding the director of the CWRC has been recognized by the administration. “All of these e-mails brought home the point that people are interested in having the women’s resource center,” he said. According to Hubbell, the administration is “taking it all into consideration” and will look at the possibility of funding the CWRC. “We have to understand how it fits into what we do on this campus.” Murphy has stated that the administration is discussing the situation, but has not taken a stance on the issue. Murphy declined to comment on the letter sent by the S.A. Connie Wong ’02, co-president of the CWRC, said that support by other organizations has been greatly appreciated. “It’s an amazing response by the Cornell community. It shows we have support among the students at Cornell.” Wong said that members of the CWRC have been talking to student organizations and asking for support from them for the past week. “Everyday we’re adding more,” she said. Wong also supported S.A.’s request of administration’s budget. “It’s very hard for students to believe that they can’t pull the money from somewhere,” Wong said.Archived article by Kate Cooper