I was never left wanting for cheap entertainment on Valentine’s Day, or Eternal Darkness and Loneliness Day as it was more commonly known by me. Being single, my activities for the evening generally consisted of going to restaurants and throwing dinner rolls at happy couples making goo-goo eyes at each other. This was entertaining since I could vent my bitterness over being single, and it was cheap since I wouldn’t have to pay for my dinner as the management would eventually kick me out.
This year is different, however. For the first time in my life, I actually have a girlfriend on Valentine’s Day. I’m ecstatic that I finally get to make goo-goo eyes at a girl without being slapped, but this means I actually have to plan something romantic to do on Valentine’s Day. This wouldn’t be a problem if I were back home in Hawaii, where I could plan a romantic hike and picnic lunch in the lush tropical rainforest, or dinner and moonlight stroll on the beach. I’m in upstate New York now, however. Come February, picnics and beachside strolls aren’t the best of ideas unless you find hypothermia and frostbite romantic.
Dinner at a nice restaurant is out too, as most maitre’ds in the Tompkins County area have orders to shoot me on sight. I briefly considered just writing “I Love You” 200 times for my column, but my editor informed me that she’d take me out back and beat me with a leather belt if I tried that. So sadly I’m reduced to the old clich