Yes, it”s true. On August 21 at 5:21 p.m. I received an e-mail from my editor titled ‘E-news Redux.’ After getting over the initial horrid realization that I do, in fact, write Entertainment News for the daze and that I would have to [insert: feeling of pain and anguish, instant acid reflux] continue writing this crappy boring article, I decided to open the e-mail. Apparently, the big-shot muck-a-mucks at the daze finally realized that E-news is a sad boring article with little intelligence or value whatsoever. According to Zach, the new aim ‘[is] to report entertainment news, but in a devastatingly cooler format.’ As you might well imagine I proceeded to do a small dance around my 10×10, 100 degree dorm room, (which I think horrified my roommate a little bit).
I eventually regained composure enough to sit down and write a fairly nonchalant e-mail back to Zach saying that this did sound like a decent idea and that I would be interested in meeting with him and talking over the details for the new format.
Alas, I bring to you the somewhat nostalgic (um, not so much) eulogy for Entertainment News because, as of a couple of weeks from now, I will now be writing a far cooler, far more interesting, thought provoking, and profoundly wittier column for your reading pleasure. I can assure you my butt cheeks are literally trembling with anticipation as I sit here writing this article. Weeks upon weeks (26, to be precise) have been spent spouting useless celebrity gossip ranging from Britney Spears”s preponderance toward her white trash roots to Janet Jackson”s boobs flying out at the Super Bowl and the intense coverage of the never-ending plethora of award shows. And far too often I found myself searching through various online sites only to find that there was truly nothing to report. There is no worse feeling than to have to write a news column when there is no goddamn news. Reaching that goal of 617 words was often a feat that I thought impossible. Every Sunday I would sit down at my computer and say to myself that the day had finally come when I would have to hang my head and admit to Zach that I could only muster up 239 words of entertainment news, and that 213 of those words were shit. I admit it! I admit it! I made it all up! Shannon Elizabeth is not nominated for an Oscar! The Olsen Twins have not decided to star in their first porno!
Believe it or not, that never happened. Thanks to the glorious invention of misused punctuation, unneeded prepositions and ‘mistakes’ in spacing I managed to make it to 617 words all 26 times. E-News will still exist, of course, but it will be going through a bit of an overhaul. To be honest I can”t quite explain what the changes will be, but in a couple of weeks you will be introduced to a new and improved ass-kicking column that will incorporate news in a much more fun, far less boring way (at least I hope so).
Just so I don”t completely stray from my duties as your Entertainment news source, I figured I would give you your news fix for the week. The state of Illinois has filed a lawsuit against the Dave Matthews Band for allegedly dumping up to 800 pounds of liquid human waste from its tour bus into the Chicago River earlier this month. Burger King wants Paris Hilton to be their news spokeswoman. That”s the news for now (yes, that”s all there is, I told you this job is hard). Fortunately, I am about to reach my 617 words … now.