Below the Belt

Dear Spongebob … Keep your perfectly rectangular, yellow, absorbent head up. I know this might be hard to do in such trying times, considering you don’t actually have an vertebrate, but you’ve gotta stand up straight, man. So what if you are regularly spotted holding hands with Patrick, the exuberant, pink starfish? I know just as well as you do that you’re just trying to offer old Pat some guidance. Although Patrick is purportedly a proud community college graduate, he still may very well be the dumbest echinoderm of all time, responding to nearly every situation with the bold lamentation, “I uhh I forgot.” I know you’re just trying to help a brother out. Also, the dude has, like, five appendages. It must be perfectly natural to want to grab onto one of them at any given moment. Besides, Zack Morris was noted sharing a bed with his old chess-playing, insect-collecting buddy Screech at one of their infamous sleepovers, and Zack Morris is quite possibly the most heterosexual man to ever inhabit this planet. Indeed, from the school nurse to some homeless chick, Zack did not come into contact with a single babe whom he did not pursue with the same fervor that he pursued detention. But, I digress.

Back to you, Se