October 31, 2006

Beer to Be Sold at Red Sporting Events

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In an attempt to increase attendance at Cornell sporting events, Director of Athletics Andy Noel announced yesterday at his weekly press conference/case race, that alcohol will now be sold at all Cornell sporting events, starting next semester.

“We thought charging admission for games would get people into the stands,” Noel said. “Apparently, we were wrong.”

Vendors at games will now offer Big Red Beer alongside more traditional concession stand options.

“Let’s face it, no one actually likes drinking Pepsi,” said one vendor. “Nachos have been down this quarter, and hot chocolate really only sells at hockey games. Selling beer not only makes sense, it will make cents — like serious bank.”

The carnellian brew was a product of a collaborative effort between Cornell’s department of Food Science, and the School of Hotel Administration’s Beverage Management Program. Pete Coors ’69 served as a consultant on the project

“We wanted to create a distinctly Cornellian brew,” Coors said. “ The hops and barley were fermented for four years in the basements of Olin and Uris Libraries, giving the beer a uniquely bitter taste that all Cornellians should be able to appreciate.”

Noel feels the move is part of a bigger trend to change the culture of Cornell athletics.

“We feel too many people show up to Lynah Rink to actually watch the games,” Noel said. “Cornell hockey is not about hockey. It’s about being seen.”

Touching on the logistics of selling beer, Noel suggested a Big Red Beer Line would be employed for distributing beverages. Students will pre-register online. After presenting six different forms of identification, they will be asked to answer a series of Cornell trivia questions. The winners will then race through an ancient Aztec temple, and must correctly assemble the pieces of a silver monkey before being captured by Temple guards. If successful, students will receive a cool remote control car, a new Huffy mountain bike, and a bracelet entitling them to one eight-ounce cup of beer per game.
Most of Cornell’s coaches seemed in favor of the move.

“Never touch the stuff myself,” said wrestling head coach Rob Koll. “But if Hogan Knows Best teaches us anything, it’s that beer goes with wrestling.”

Happy Halloween! Remember, apples are never an appropriate treat for trick-or-treaters