May 31, 2007

UDFC 71: Muffin vs. Rover

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I’m sure most of you already know about the latest Michael Vick controversy. For those who haven’t, Vick’s nephew was arrested at his Virginia mansion (Vick’s, not the nephew) for running an illegal dogfighting ring. Police actually found several pit bulls, most of which had major injuries. The big controversy though is that some of Vick’s teammates have claimed that Vick not only knew about the dogfighting, he was really into it. Apparently, he won the Vick family dogfighting tournament pool when he picked Fluffy to upset Shnookums in the finals. Anyway, Vick’s reputation has taken another hit, the latest in a long line of stupid actions taken by an overrated, inaccurate quarterback. Let’s take a trip down memory lane and recall some of those great Vick moments.


1) Back in 2005, Vick was sued by a woman who claimed he knowingly gave her herpes. That’s not the big story. The woman also claimed that Vick had visited several clinics using the alias “Ron Mexico.” That’s the big story. Hmm. Apparently, based on that name, Vick grew up on Mexico Street and his first pet was a ferret named Ron. Since this incident, a website has been created ( where you can enter your own name and get a Vick-style alias. Mine is “Stark Russia.” David Skorton’s is “Pedro Chad.”

2) In 2006, following a Falcon’s loss to the Saints at home, Vick gave the Atlanta crowd the double bird. Vick later apologized saying “I apologize to all the young kids…who saw me make that gesture.” Currently, I’m imagining several young kids asking their parents what Vick was doing, and their parents took the easy road out and told them he was saying the Falcons were “number one”, so now there’s a generation of children in Atlanta who are giving each other the middle finger whenever their team scores a goal in pee wee soccer. At least, that’s what I think.

3) Apparently, Vick was cleared of any wrongdoing of the infamous “pot in the water bottle” incident from earlier this year, so I can’t legitimately make fun of it. Stupid truth.

4) In a less publicized occurrence, Vick failed to show up at a Capitol Hill breakfast in April in which he was supposed to receive an award for his organization and their work with school kids. Instead, Vick didn’t show up for his flight to D.C. The director of Vick’s foundation said that he couldn’t attend because of “unforeseen developments,” which is code for “Rover beat Buddy in the quarters, so now he gets a rematch against Lucky in the semis.”

Seriously, I’m sure Vick does a lot of good down in Atlanta, but even so, this dogfighting thing is wrong. I can only think of five situations in which dogfights would be okay:
1) They’re sponsored by the UFC
2) The dogs are actually competing in their own version of American Gladiators
3) The dogs are not fighting each other, but instead Dane Cook fans
4) They’re Sony AIBOs (I really miss “Battlebots”)
5) “Dogfights” actually means women’s boxing

Still, Vick needs to learn common sense so he doesn’t get into any more of these situations. Some people say that he wouldn’t be anything without his stardom, exposure, and millions of dollars. Let me tell you that that’s not true at all. He’d be his brother Marcus.