September 27, 2007

The Bias Cut

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Once upon a time, in a teen flick produced not so long ago, everybody’s favorite virgin-who can’t-drive said, “So okay, I don’t want to be a traitor to my generation and all but I don’t get how guys dress today. I mean, come on, it looks like they just fell out of bed and put on some baggy pants and take their greasy hair — ew — and cover it up with a backwards cap and we’re supposed to swoon? I don’t think so!”
Well, 1995 has come and gone and our beloved teen queen Cher Horowitz would still not be pleased if she walked across Cornell’s campus. Thankfully, we’ve all pretty much moved past the inappropriately baggy cargo pants — but really, how many days in a row can you alternate between dirty sweat pants and mesh shorts?
I don’t want to discourage all the guys on this campus because a few of you do try to and do look good. But the Cornell man I am targeting today is the one that thinks Crocs are okay footwear (How can you leave the house without knowing how completely absurd you look?), cargo pants or shorts are practical or stylish and that mesh shorts with any random, free-give- away tee is cool (but, let me just say that mesh shorts with polos or dress shirts are even worse!).
Let’s first address that pair of Crocs you wore to class today. Did you think they were a good idea? Really? I mean, I understand that they are durable and practical, (like the Vera Bradley bag — see last week’s column — that I am sure you wouldn’t buy your girlfriend), but please just come on now!
Those shoes are just not okay. Just because your orange Crocs match your 2006 orange Slope Day shirt does not make it acceptable.
A wise character in Superbad said, “Nobody has gotten a blow job in cargo pants since ‘Nam’!” — he couldn’t have been anymore on point with that statement.
Cargos make you look baggier than needed, so if you’re going for the baggy 8 Mile look there is no need for extra pockets. Even P Diddy and his people at Sean John know that.
What’s the purpose? Do you really carry enough stuff to fill all those pockets? If you do, GET A BACK PACK!
As for mesh shorts — there is not much to say besides the fact that the only place they belong is in the gym, on the field or hanging out hung over on a Sunday morning — that is, in the privacy of your own dorm or beer-infested off-campus house.
But do not get discouraged guys! You don’t have to be a cookie cutter Ralph Lauren model to look good. Whether you’re a prep or a hippie, emo or thug, it is still possible to look better than you do now. I have seen people pull off all of these styles with ease and so I know it is possible to look good.
Go down the hall to your stylish frat brothers room and have him help you out. If this article has left you feeling down and confused, there is help. For those of you interested I’ll personally hold a kegs and eggs style seminar and we’ll be well on our way to reducing fashion faux pas.
If I leave you with anything, let it be the message that no matter what you wear, please make sure it is clean. Spraying your clothes with Febreeze or putting them in the dryer with half a box of Bounce does not constitute clean. Your five minutes of fresh scents is not fooling anyone and fades quickly.
Remember, Oh masculine one: Rule # 76: No Excuses! Dress like a champion.