November 20, 2007

Answers for the Questioning

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Most weeks my writings resemble the works of acclaimed Vanity Fair diarist Dominic Dunne. For this column, though, I decided to class it up. Abigail Van Buren was my inspiration, because I too am technically unqualified, but am wonderfully apt to dole advice to the perplexed masses. Like Abby I also insist on having my glamour shot next to my article to prove that I am, indeed, real and that you can trust in my beautiful face. The following are verbatim questions and concerns from Cornell students and faculty.

Like most straight dudes, I really want to do my girlfriend in the butt. She, though, says she’ll only give up her ass if I give up mine first. She wants to peg me! I am itching for some rear-door romance, but I am also really protective of my anus. So, should boyfriend bend over, or should I end this relationship (no ass-play is not an option)?
-Hot for heiny — hers, not mine

Dear Heiny,
First of all, I do not think that your girlfriend really wants to peg you. By asking you to take it first she is simply making you aware of the severity of what you are asking of her. Anal sex, while it can be enjoyable for both parties, is not as easy as it may look in your pornos that you have been DC++ing since freshman year. The act takes patience, trust, respect and a lot of lube. In order to reach your declared objective, you must assure her that you would proceed with aforementioned necessities, and most importantly, know that she actually wants to partake. Trying to slip it to her on the sly during routine activities will not work: “poopsie oopsies” are never accidental and she knows that.

Nathan James,
I am going through a terrible ordeal. A few weeks ago my “visually impaired” roommate fell down the stairs after clumsily tripping on my roller blades, and she had the nerve to blame me! If that weren’t bad enough, her insanely loud alarm clock goes off two days a week at 10:00 a.m. so she can keep up the charade and go to “physical therapy.” It is not my fault that she is taking forever to recover from her Lasik! I have complained to all of my housemates about the incessant noise (the tapping of her goddamn stick would have driven Mother Teresa crazy!), yet they refuse to pressure her to move out. I am convinced she is sleeping with all of them. How can I get her out of the house or at least teach her a lesson?
-Sick of paying for her problems

It sounds like you have a real problem on your hands. Normally, I would suggest the classic rearrangement of furniture or the scraping flat of all the Braille in her books, but this case seems to warrant something more severe. The following are a few appropriate courses of action:
1. Jump on the bandwagon and sleep with her too. No doubt her sense of touch is dramatically heightened and she will never turn you down if you are not looking your best.
2. Be the bigger woman. Just apologize for her fall even though it was her and God’s fault for not seeing those skates (this is the least fun option).
3. Poison her slowly. Have you seen The Sixth Sense? If not, watch it. You need to taint her food just enough so that she can never discern why she is always feeling sick. A work of caution: DON’T OVERDO IT. You are aiming for medical leave, not death.

Dear Nathan James,
This may be a hard one to answer not in-person, but here goes: why do people think I’m slutty when I meet them? I can count the number of people I’ve slept with on one hand, and I dress pretty conservatively. I guess the random makeout seshes I’ve had that don’t end up in the sack could count towards my whore factor, but you can’t tell that stuff just by looking at a person! Am I giving off some flirty/slutbag vibe without knowing it, Nathan James? What gives?
-Not-so-skanky from Skaneateles

There must be some tell-tale aspects of your appearance that you are ignoring. Looking like a whore has to do with more than revealing tops and thigh high leather: much of it is in your facial appearance.
How is your skin looking these days? If you have marred skin and often look tired (sorry, engineers), people might mistake you for a meth addict. And if you watch the morning news, Montel Williams, you’d know that meth addicts always sell their bodies for drugs, look really tired from all the “exercise” associated with that and eventually end up in the Jersey Bay. Just think of Britney — even if she wore a floor-length choir robe preventing her from flashing her hoo-ha, she’d still look down for doing anything.
How luscious are your lips? Could someone confuse those for DSLs?
And about those make-out sessions. If they are in the context of a typical college party, then no foul. If however, you loiter midday in the alley adjacent to PIXEL and actually wait for a “random” person to come by and kiss you, then, well, you’ze a ho.