March 3, 2010

Sexy in Cyberspace

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Since “Sex on Thursdays” has already covered online dating and text message break-ups, the only technological advance that has affected our generation’s love and sex lives that has yet to be discussed is cybersex. So without further ado, welcome, adoring fans (or more accurately, adoring “Notes From Abroad” fans who saw my column below and decided it would be better to read this than pay attention in Math 1920), to Cybersex 101.

In, um, “researching” for this column, I went through great pains to find people to cyber with. While there are websites out there that facilitate the search for cybersex partners, most of them cost money that I don’t have.  I did think of charging the fee to my dad’s credit card, but something tells me that my parents might be curious as to what is and why I’m paying $30 a month for a membership there…

My motto in life is “when all else fails, WOW to the rescue!” Okay, not really, but in this instance, WOW did come to my rescue.  For those of you who have more than three friends (including or excluding your mother, it really makes no difference if your friend count is that low) and thus don’t spend every waking moment attempting to forge lifelong friendships on the net, WOW stands for World of Warcraft.  Though I have never played the game, I do know that tons of people do and that it is very addicting.  So much so that many of the players don’t have time to get their coital loving on, so cybersex is a great alternative for them.  That’s probably too harsh a view on WOW, I apologize to all the WOWers out there reading this –– I shouldn’t be bashing you guys, I should be thanking you!

In desperate need of a sex-deprived man to talk about intercourse with, I asked my buddy Wes, an avid WOWer (I’m just going to continue using that as the term for people who play WOW because I don’t know what the real term is), to find me a cyber partner via WOW.  He was pretty defensive, calling it a game and not a meat market. Alas, he was wrong. After begging Wes to ask one of his WOW comrades if he’d be interested in getting someone one-on-one cyber action with me, he finally got someone to agree after referring to me as “some chick with tits” (I don’t know why he added the “with tits” part, I can’t think of many chicks without them).

My cyber date with Ron was… interesting, to say the least.  For those of you who have never cybered before, you should know that most people have webcams. If not, they at least have microphones. Ron had neither, so we simply furiously typed dirty messages back and forth about what we would be doing to each other (and in Ron’s case, what he actually was doing to himself) if we lived in the same zip code (or even the same time zone –– Ron lives in South America, where WOW is apparently huge. Who knew?).

About half and hour into our date (I only say date because I don’t know what a cybersex rendezvous is usually called) Ron told me in his baby blue 14 pt. Comic Sans font (in retrospect, Ron may not have even been a man –– one of the hazards of cybersex sans webcam is that you really haven’t the slightest idea of who you’re virtually screwing) that he’d be reading all of my responses but he wouldn’t be typing anything back for a few minutes because “typing one-handed is [was] starting to get tedious… you know ;)”Incidentally, the experience wasn’t half as awkward as I would have guessed.  I even thought that the fact that I didn’t know Ron or anything about him (minus his South American citizenship, though he could’ve been an alpaca farmer in Ohio for all I know) made it easier.  If you’ve never cybered before, I’d even go so far as to recommend that you find someone you don’t know for the first time. That way, there’s no pressure because you never actually have to talk to them again and they don’t know who you are.

Cybersex is especially great for those of you who have unusual fetishes.  While all of your real-life sexual partners may refuse to pretend to be an astro-physics professor or Bill Clinton in the sack, I’m sure you can find someone who will online.  And for all of you who were brave enough (or crazy enough) to give up sex for Lent — happy cybering!  It’s all you really have for another month or so

Original Author: Hazel Gun