April 7, 2010

Vampire Diaries: Now Home to the WORST PARENT EVER

Print More

Let’s face it. We don’t need a bail-out for Wall Street or Main Street, the big guy or the little; we need a special welfare program for the children of the dumb-ass hos. That’s what I learned this week on everyone’s third-favorite-of-all-time teen vampire show, The Vampire Diaries: shitty parents are ruining America. If it weren’t for all those nice children who, instead of becoming delinquents, get jobs, pay the bills, manage to stay football stars, have girlfriends, do well in school, and buy nice clothes, the nation would fall into disrepair! DISREPAIR I TELL YOU! It’s a bit like how it’s so awesome on ABC Family that there are all these nice 15-year-olds totally capable of handling pregnancy and raising a child, with miraculous Church jobs, fairy dust, and pancakes. Thank god for those kids, man.

This week we finally discussed what’s happening with poor Matt, and it’s not great. His mom is a huge slut, like a Mrs. Cartman-sized bang maid of epic proportions. She doesn’t even like to keep it under wraps. She gets drunk in the middle of the day at the bar where her son works and brings random dudes to the home, financed by the aforementioned miracle son. The fact that she blows is made even worse by the size of this town, which is not even like a one donkey town. They seriously only have one watering hole, and it’s a fucking bar and grill? Jeez, living in Ithaca makes me break down, tear my hair out, and cry like a particularly pathetic infant. Maybe they could have a coffee shop? What is this, Brigadoon? It wouldn’t be quite so upsetting if so much of the drama did not stem from the fact that there is only one bar. Oh man, moms and sons show up at the same bar! Oh no, vampires that recognize Katherine go to the one bar in town! Ok, moving on. Mama Trashy McTrash also still hates poor Caroline, who is trying to be a nice person. Sad face for Cheery! Mama also doesn’t want to get a job, probably because it’ll put a dent in her busy pants-dropping schedule.

Meanwhile, the vampires, are congregating at some lady’s house, slowly draining her of life, and exploring the difficulties of collective action. Pearl’s authority is being threatened by some jerk. He wants to go out, be free, eat people, you know—enjoy the simple things. Meanie Pearl is all about keeping a low profile. Aside from the jerk, everyone’s having a great time learning about remote controls, cell phones, and probably Internet porn! Modernity is great.

Mr. and Mrs. Boring are enjoying being the best couple ever, the one that makes everyone want to vomit. They’re making out in the hallway, which is making everyone want to vomit, and pretending not to know that they are “that guy,” that, you know, makes everyone want to vomit.

Pearl and Anna decide to head into town and give Damon a scare. They’d like his help, with or without his consent. They want to know about Damon’s secret dealings with the shitty Scooby gang Founder’s council. She says something relatively interesting: “They stole our land.” So are we to understand that the vampires lived in Mystic Falls prior to the humans? How did that happen, wouldn’t they have moved in after there was a present food supply? However, since Stefan obviously doesn’t need to drink blood to survive perhaps they just lived a lovely pastoral little life? But Damon tells them to shove it; this is the 21st century after all, he wants to philander, not spy for olds. It doesn’t matter, however, because Pearl turns out to be SUPER STRONG! GO PEARL! She sticks her thumbs in his eyes. It. Was. Great! You know, because vampires are supposed to do things like stick their fingers in people’s eyes.

IN other less awesome, but a lot more gross, mom news: Kelly Donovan, resident life-ruiner, is chilling out with Damon at that goddamn grill: “I love to watch a man drown his sorrows. It’s so sexy.” Seriously, who is this batshit and is not also a smack addict?  Naturally sad auntie Jenna gets in on the action and soon enough the three of them are roaring drunk at the bar while their dependents are on a cutie double date. Why can’t you get drunk in your houses before yoga like regular boozy moms, Gosh! I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. At any rate, Jenna checks out to run into Pearl’s jerk. Good thing Elena’s got her doused in Vervaine. Unforunately, shitty mom and shitty bro are now alone …

The double date turns out to be boring and lowers Caroline’s self-esteem. Also, Pearl’s dissident is there and calls Elena Katherine. So they all go to Stefan’s house, which is a giant mansion and also lowers Caroline self-esteem. But, the best is yet to come, because even after Caroline and Matt have their requisite nice “You’re the one that I want” moment, Stefan shares his sweet ride with Matt so they can be bros, and Stelana are reminded once again, how sick their relationship is: They walk in on Matt’s slut-attack-Mom and Damon are getting it on against a wall. AHHH. That’s just the worst. THE WORST! I mean your son’s girlfriend’s ex? You’re son’s ex-girlfriend’s current boyfriend’s brother? The guy who turned your daughter into a vampire? I know she doesn’t know that last one, but there is no way in which this is not repulsive. Still, I laughed heartily. I mean the mom in the foyer with the vam … oh whatever.

Even after that gross-out, Pearl’s stupid jerk arrives at Stefan and Damon’s place to settle an old score. It’s been a rough day at the old Salvatore house. Thankfully, I suppose, the jerk and his buddy lose. The jerk, whose name I just remembered is Fred, scurries off home to Pearl to be scolded — by getting impaled on a kitchen spoon (just in the stomach). Pearl is AWESOME! She’s like a brutal autocratic leader of some creepy autonomous collective. Hooray!

But anyway, I want to get to the best part of any episode, honestly, baby Jeremy and vampire Anna! They’re just super compelling, I actually want to know what’s happening with them, and this episode definitely delivered. BJ finally proved that he’s not really a giant dumbass. He’s sorted out the vampire deal for himself despite all the Jedi-mind-tricking he’s been through. He guessed about Vicki, and after seeing Anna’s bloody vampire eyes, decides to give her a test.

Anna, who has a major thing for Jeremy, just shows up at his door. We’re staying in town, she says! I’m coming in, she says! I thought it would be awesome she says! She’s right! Jeremy sneakily chops his hand open with kitchen knife (kitchens are dangerous places in The VD, bahahaha that still makes me laugh) Anna can’t resist and, at Jeremy’s insistence: “Go for it!” She comes out of the vampire closet.

I appreciate Anna’s character because she really is a troubled kid. She’s a vampire who was turned with her mother. She spends eternity, with her mom. She’s the extreme counterpoint to all these assholes running about with no parental supervision. She comes home from her rendezvous with Jeremy and her mom is waiting for her. It’s astounding and also sort of horrifying. (Most) Moms are great, but if I had to spend eternity as a teenager, I’d impale myself on the nearest kitchen spoon, and not in the stomach, in the heart, so it’s for keeps. Which is why it’s rather great, if painful, to watch her experiment with Jeremy as one outlet in a centuries-long life that has been spent either with her mom or trying to find her mom. It’ll be even more intriguing to see how she reacts to her spot-of-freedom’s request: Jeremy wants her to turn him.

Boom! I can’t say this moment, in and of itself, was all that shocking. Jeremy is the quintessential American geek misfit. They used to read Asimov and fantasize about Star Wars. Now they subscribe to stupid emo philosophies, wear pained looks on their faces, and fantasize about violence and sex. Violence + sex = (for the kiddies) vampires and (for the big kids) snuff, but I think Videodrome: The Teen Years is a bit far off for The CW. Jeremy spends a lot of time on his comp and used to do mad drugs. Earlier in the episode he was doing “research” on weird vampire chartrooms. He lives out his stereotype, no problem, especially the part about alternative fantasies. This kid doesn’t need dungeons and dragons; he’s got Vampire girlfriends!

Both of these kids need to escape, but Anna’s reasons are much more complicated. I’m looking forward to seeing how this pans out. I imagine she sees Jeremy’s humanity and awkward boy-hood as very attractive and is going to be super pissed about his little request. But I also thought that eating sushi this morning at 11 a.m. was a good idea. In fact, it was not.

Overall, this episode had some good development. It wasn’t about Elena’s stupid mom dram. With the exception of Caroline being a huge loser (highlighted by the fact that Stefan is not jealous in the least of Matt and Elena’s history), a lot of characters moved forward. Damon actually verbalized his disappointment at Katherine’s betrayal and has now become Pearl’s lapdog. Pearl kicks ass! And Anna and Jeremy add some much-needed heart to this show. I feel like this is all heading somewhere, hopefully first to rehab, to drop off Mrs. Donovan.

Because. She. Fucking. Sucks.


Original Author: Rabia Muqaddam