April 21, 2010

A Sexual Sampler

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In true columnist fashion, I am using my second-to-last column as a means of covering all of the topics I hoped to write about when I first got the sex columnist position. That, plus a couple topic ideas given to me on Tuesday night by an anonymous frat boy (let’s call him Seth) who wanted his questions answered so badly he listed them on his Blackberry so he wouldn’t forget.

Unused Topics

First, the serious: HPV. According to Gannett, 80 percent of women on Cornell’s campus will contract some strain of HPV before they graduate. The reason is that HPV is completely undetectable in men, and transmission is not totally prevented by condoms. HPV can lead to cervical cancer or genital warts, so please: get tested. The vaccine will prevent the most common and most virulent strains, but a pap smear is the only way to make sure you are completely clean. Get tested. Seriously. Between every sexual partner.

Second, the serious in a different kind of way: Accidental Anal. Yes, Jeff, it happens. Twice to me to be specific — well, one was an accident and the other was more of a miscommunication. I digress. The guy got a little too into it during doggy style and lost focus for one second. Suddenly, there was penis in my butthole. Not to say that people don’t like anal sex, but usually some warning (and lube) is preferable. Also, I don’t like it. My one hole provides enough entertainment for me. Either way, both times I was left curled up in a ball on the bed, crying and holding my butt cheeks together trying to reverse the damage. Let me tell you: The damage is irreversible. I was afraid to poop for a week. Meanwhile, the guy had made it across the room in Edward Cullen-esque speed, trying to figure out what it is that he did wrong. So now I am not only trying to comfort myself, but I have to somehow figure out how to make my pain look as sexy as possible to comfort my lover. “I’m okay I’m okay I’m okay,” I repeat between tears. But please, accidentally putting your penis in my butt is Game Over for sex for the rest of that night. Don’t try to pick up where you left off.

Frat Questions and Suggestions

1. Would a girl be freaked out if she knew I took Viagra on a first date in order to impress her? What about long lasting condoms?

I think a girl would be uncomfortable knowing that her 20-something partner took Viagra, only because it carries the stigma that it is for old men who have a medical reason (i.e. not alcohol) for impotency. As we approach our quarter-life crisis and college graduation, the fewer reminders of how old we’re getting the better. So you’re better off just keeping your recreational pharmaceutical use to yourself. I’ve never used long lasting condoms ,but I think they are more socially acceptable since they are usually marketed toward a younger crowd. Just make sure you are able to come while using them, because I’ve heard some horror stories.

2. Some girls who aren’t on birth control don’t want you to come inside them. Where is the best place to come in this case?

My friends and I believe that coming inside a girl without using a condom is often a more intimate sexual act, one reserved for boyfriends only. If a girl is not on birth control, you should be using a condom and then the problem is solved. However, if you are being stupid and not using any form of protection except for pulling out, first, have fun with your baby. Second, ask her where she wants you to come. She probably opened the door by telling you she’s not on birth control so it’s totally fair game to inquire if you can come on her stomach, tits, mouth or towel. Ask it in a sexy way, and you might just be surprised at her answer.

3. Sometimes I think it would be nice if girls told us whether they had an orgasm during sex.

Agreed. Knowing that not everyone is as loud as I am (shout out to Val Pocus ’11 and her nature sounds), some girls orgasm in a manner that leaves guys guessing as to exactly how much they enjoyed their night. It’s so simple (and sexy!) for a girl to turn over and say, “I have never come so hard in my life,” as a form of verbal reinforcement for her boy. Or, at the very least, an unenthusiastic, “That was nice.” So that way, when the guy returns home at 3 p.m. the next day and recaps the night with his friends while watching The Biggest Loser and eating hun-cal fro-yo, he is totally clear on his details. At least this is how I pictured what Seth was talking about in my mind.

If you have any questions that you would like me to address in my final column, feel free to email me at jessh@cornellsun.com

Original Author: Jess H.