Mocha Half-Caf with a Quarter-Shot of Espresso
Dear Starbucks, today I saw one of your red cups being carried around campus, and it left me feeling warm and fuzzy with Holiday spirit. I decided to stop by for a peppermint mocha on my way home, deviating from my normal tendency towards the less mainstream Stella’s cafe. But you know what you did to my holiday spirit, Starbucks? You GRINCHED it away. (Yes, “to grinch” is a verb. Why? Because I say so.) You overcharged me for my simple order — a grande peppermint mocha with the normal amount of peppermint, but half the mocha; it gets too sweet otherwise — messed it up, and then didn’t even offer me a free drink coupon! Talk about the spirit of giving. We’re all starving college students here. You can keep your red cups. They no longer remind me of Christmas. They’re tainted with postmodern notions of consumerism and capitalist exploitation. I’m taking my weary debit card back across the street to get my sense of truth, community and social-connectedness back (I know it’s ironic. Don’t judge me, hipsters). P.S. — you over-roast your coffee anyway! — D.N.K.
Screw class participation grades. Do professors really expect me to have a meaningful discussion about sovereign debt on a Friday afternoon when I still have Long Island Iced Teas flowing through my veins? It is MY RIGHT as a college student to take a nap in class or skip class altogether to take a nap. (Basically, I love naps.) In conclusion, class participation grades should be abolished. This ain’t middle school, son. — C.B.Left Feeling Chilly
Thanks Halloween Chilean miners, for completely overshadowing my construction worker costume, you selfish bastards. — J.W.
Hot Dogs O’clock
Word on the street is that Noyes stopped selling hot dogs. The fuck?! Granted, I don’t go to Noyes … ever … but when I do venture to that part of campus once in a blue moon, I like to get a hot dog. And Cheesecake Factory cheesecake. Hot dogs and cheesecake –– the winningest combination since Grey Goose and Four Loko (shoutout to the ones who raged with me Halloween weekend!). — A.K.B.
Super Sound Sleeper
Hey, the heat in my apartment, would it kill you to kick it up a few notches? Thirty-degree temperatures and a healthy layer of blankets is a deadly combination for my class attendance grades. I have to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 9:30 a.m., not so petrified of coldness that I hit the snooze button and catch another hour of shut eye. — T.M.
After schlepping from my humble abode in Collegetown, I anxiously await my morning cappuccino. And when I finally get it, I am outraged by the fact that I have to wait for people ahead of me to finish putting sugar in their drinks. Why does this process take so long? Because you only have one sugar stand! The audacity! There’s already a limited number of spaces to actually set your coffee down to add our sugary/splendaness to our already over-caffeinated selves. But could you help speed up the process? You know how caffeine makes us even more anxious. — A.M.
Regardless of what the outcome of the midterm election was, I’m just happy that there will be no more ads from local politicians. All hours of the day, I’ll be watching TV, and it’s just ad after ad about who’s sleeping with Nancy Pelosi, or who sucked off Obama by voting for universal healthcare. Not only do I not know who these clowns are, I don’t care. WTF is a State Comptroller? Now I can finally watch Jeopardy in peace. — P.J.