Our episode opens with our beloved Serena faced with the tough decision: stepbrother Dan or hottie Nate? Tough one. Good thing she has Eric to help her by making Venn diagrams! All this to distract her from the SCANDALOUS story printed about her in the paper about the real reasons Colin withdrew from teaching at Columbia. Good thing she has her boys, Dan and Nate, to call and check if she’s okay! Dan and Nate have an agreement to let the best man win in regards to Serena. Blair and Chuck are acting couple-y! Except they refuse to acknowledge if they’re just more than sex… Good thing they’re going on a dinner date! Will this finally push them to get back together?? Lily and Serena go to meet with the Dean of Columbia in response to the false allegations from the newspapers across the city. Lily just wants to give lots and lots of money to make the problem go away. The Dean wants Serena to withdraw. Lily snaps and threatens the Dean with going to the Times about the ‘exploitation of students’ at Columbia. Goooo Mama! Jenny comes home (fucking bitch) and tells Lily that Juliet called and asked her for help and that JuJu Bear is planning on leaking a story to page 6 about Serena. After Lily tells her that she’ll take care of it, Little J then goes and calls JuJu and Vanessa to tell them that everything is reading on her side. Umm wtf last time I checked step-siblings don’t conspire to take down their step-siblings… Or compete for the affections of their step-siblings… Get your shit together, J and D! Blair meets with Anne Archibald (Francie Swift) aka Natey-poo’s mommy to discuss becoming the face of Girls Inc, a group devoted to Woman Empowerment. Blair thinks she’d make a great role model; however, the ladies on the board think differently. They question Blair because of her involvement with Chuck. Meanwhile, Chuck’s company needs him to be a chauvinistic hedonistic pig in order to bring in the cash. Ummm what?! Juliet, Vanessa, and Jenny meet to conspire to make Serena feel like an outside. J had taken S’s sim card and made it so that Jenny has the phone that gets all her incoming calls and texts. So, J and V get D and N’s texts inviting S on date and say yes to both of them to fuck with them. Blair and Chuck get it on and plot how to both succeed in both their endeavors while continuing to kind of somewhat maybe ish be with each other. While sexing, Chuck accidentally tells Blair he loves her. But did he mean it or did he just blurt it out? Juliet meets with Lily to discuss how Juliet has been messing with Serena. Juliet implies that Serena had the problem before with other teachers and that this will come out unless Lily does something. So, like any good normal mother, Lily writes a check to make it all go away. Juliet then goes and taunts Serena about it. Serena then goes to the loft and asks Lily when she paid Juliet off. It comes out that Lily believes the worst in her daughter as opposed to trusting Serena. At dinner, Lily discusses the situation with Rufus. Apparently Serena had been involved with a teacher at her boarding school. Rufus tells her that just because it had happened now doesn’t mean it’s happening now, but Lily isn’t sure. I hope all parents are as trusting as Lily is! Dan’s at the park waiting for Serena. Except… whoopsies his texts weren’t actually going to S! They were going to J and V! And oddly enough Nate is having the same problems… Huh. Weird. Later, they both go to where ‘S’ told them to meet and find each other there. S turns up and they tell her she has to choose by midnight. Mwuhaha the evil plan is working! Everyone is turning against S! Don’t get me wrong, I dislike the girl. Strongly. But I dislike Vanessa, Juliet, and Jenny wayyyy more. Vanessa drops S’s ‘resume’ off at Girls Inc to screw with Blair and make her think her best friend was trying to take her prized position away from her. Juliet and Jenny go to Chuck’s ‘sinners and saints party’ wearing what Serena was wearing and outfitted in the mask Serena was wearing. All to fuck with Dan and Nate. One ‘S’ kisses Nate and then walks off. Another then kisses Dan and then walks off. Both boys are left wondering if this means Serena has chosen them or not. Serena tries to get into the party but the doorman won’t her in because ‘Serena van der Woodsen,’ aka Jenny Humphrey and Juliet Sharp, is already there! Blair goes to Chuck to talk to him about whether he actually loved her or whether he said it because they were having sex. After a bit or skirting, Chuck admits he meant it. YESSSSSSSS! ‘S’ then exposes them with some handy lights to the whole entire party. They then kiss in front of everyone. YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!! Anne Archibald is at the party, and she saw the wholeee thing. Apparently Blair can’t be what they’re looking for because she’s with Chuck and therefore is a reflection of all Chuck is! How unfair! And then Anne tells Blair to tells Serena that Girls Inc thanks her for her resume but that she isn’t quite what Girls Inc is looking for. You knowww that handy resume Vanessa turned in? Except, Chuck’s now more successful because he’s with Blair. He can have everything, but she can’t. WTF. Blair then tells Chuck that she wants to be Blair, strong and powerful Blair, before she can be Chuck’s girlfriend. But it’s okay, because Chuck and Blair will find their way back to being Chair because they’re meant to be! Cheeeeeesy! Gossip Girl then sends out a blast of ‘S’ with Dan AND Nate! Oopsies! Dan and Nate then tell Serena that they’re done. They’ve chosen for her. She gets no one. Blair then confronts Serena. She thinks that she did everything to get to be the face of Girls Inc. Serena tries to (pathetically) cover up, but Blair won’t believe her. Eric goes to tell her he cares about her, but S tells him he’s not enough. Ohhhh snap! Losing everyone, huh S? And the one person you can’t lose you choose to cut off? Good plan! JuJu drugs a copy of S’s mask and then replaces Serena’s actual mask with the drugged one. The drug (chloroform?) knocks her out and then JuJu puts her in a cab and goes along for the ride. Ummm this is crossing over into kidnapping, JuJu. And that may or may not be a punishable crime. Just a tip. And Vanessa and Jenny don’t know JuJu has Serena. Ummm Juliet, crossing over into psycho territory here! As if you weren’t psycho already! Juliet sends an email to the Dean of Columbia from Serena’s phone withdrawing. And since Serena is legally an adult, there’s nothing Lily can do. Lily and Eric are home all distraught because Serena is acting in typical S fashion by isolating and alienating everyone and then dropping out of school. Too bad they don’t know that JuJu’s got Serena captive!
Original Author: Alyssa Leventhal