February 9, 2011

Betty’s New Hair-Do

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W ith Valentine’s Day on the horizon, chances are anybody looking to having a romantic bone session is taking care of some intimate grooming before the big day. Whether you’re on a first-name basis with your waxer, or your precious goods have never encountered a razor, there’s a hair-do for everyone.

Full-on Fro

Only one quarter of women over the age of 18 say that they regularly trim their thatch. Granted, likely a large number of the women surveyed are in monogamous, settled-in relationships, but the point is: there’s a pretty large demographic of women going au-naturale.

For those women who hate the feeling of sporting luscious locks below the belt, not to worry!  You can always fake it with the help of a merkin.  Popular in the Middle Ages as a means of covering up unsightly syphilis sores (really clever.  “Just cover it up!  He’ll never notice!”), vag wigs still have a place in the 21st century.  Actresses frequently don a twat toupee if roles call for a denser forest.  And as luck would have it, they’re not all that hard to come by for us commoners.  Ranging in a variety of sizes and colors — with sequins, or without — you too can have your very own merkin.

Pilot Paradise

Somewhere in between the tame bush and the clean slate falls the landing strip.  23 percent of women are carefully shaving or waxing, leaving a small strip straight up the middle, also referred to as a French Bikini.  Just in case a guy needs a little help figuring out in what direction he should be looking to fly, a neatly groomed landing strip helps point him to his final destination.  But if he can’t figure it out otherwise, then something is legitimately wrong.

Bald Beaver

I’ve only ever once had a boyfriend request that I take it all off, but he Nair-ed his entire body regularly, so …

Anyway, there’s something kind of creepily pre-pubescent about a full Brazilian wax, but I figure if you’re going to spend the cash on a professional job, might as well get your money’s worth. Studies show that only nine percent of women opt to go bare, but that number is on the rise. The Brazilian has only been popular in America since the early ’90s, but dates as far back as saucy old Cleopatra. Egyptians, Greeks and Romans were taking it all off long before any porn star or Sex and the City character.

The tradeoff for a month of no shaving is a relatively awkward 30 minutes.  I’ve always had friendly, chatty women slathering hot wax on me.  They always try to make you as comfortable as possible, but things get really friendly really fast once the plucking starts.  It was the most attention anyone has paid to my vag in eons.  The process lasts a whole lot longer for men — usually about 90 minutes as compared to about 30 for women — and is apparently even more painful. While I don’t necessarily think a full on waxed Manzilian is necessary, some personal manscaping is a MUST.  If you want some tips on Nair-ing, on the other hand, just let me know.  I know a guy.

Vajazzled Va-jay-jay

Ever get a wax, look at your little landing strip (or lack thereof), and say to yourself, “Man, I really wish I had some of those stick-on rhinestones to put on there.  That would make my fancy parts extra glamorous!” Nothing says sexy and mature better than adhering a sparkling butterfly to your vag, amiright?  Apparently these glittering creations will stay put for about five days if done well —  a fun fact that, quite frankly, confuses me.  I would imagine with a rigorous sex fest you’d be shedding sparkles from bedpost to bed stand.  In any case, I plan on hitting up Proper Puss and getting my potential formal date’s name vajazzled before Saturday rolls around.  Nothing will make me feel better about being single on Valentine’s Day than a sparkly vagina reminder of dates past.

Colorful Cooters

Maybe you’re not quite ready to bare it all, are allergic to adhesive or on too tight of a budget to buy your own sequined merkin, but you still want a little something special. For as little as $15, you can dye your muff with “Betty Dye”  (Sidenote: I’ve never heard anyone refer to a vag as a betty, but I think I like it). If you’ve ever dreamed of shaving your bush into the shape of a heart and dying it hot pink to really drive the point home, this specially formulated dye can help you achieve your fantasies.  Apparently it’s also hot in the bridal market — find the bride’s “something blue!”

Although going out unshaved (or waxed, or vajazzled, or dyed) may feel like a natural chastity belt to some, my research — primarily accomplished via awkward conversations and less from below the belt action — leads me to believe that women care about hair significantly more than men.  When things are heating up, it would take a pinky-length bush to successfully put a kibosh on a good time. But unfortunately, especially for those with low pain thresholds, less is usually more.  Unless, of course, you’re opting for some vajazzling.

The Preacher’s Daughter is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. She may be reached at preachersdaughter@cornellsun.com. Decent Exposure appears alternate Thursdays this semester.

Original Author: The Preachers Daughter