September 11, 2012

Anyone for Tennis? OR The Greatest Mayor of All Time, Ever

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Jacob Kose found Josh Haimi ’13, Marshall Huang ’13 and Marjan Zaman ’13 watching the U.S. Open Men’s Final on Monday evening and wondering aloud at the question everyone’s been asking since September 12, 1983: If you were to do anything for 108 hours and nine minutes straight, what would you do? We put on our bathing caps and goggles and came up with what can best be described as the truth.

Disclaimer: As always, Scrambled Eggs strives to adequately approximate what was said and who said what, but may at times mess all of that up.

Marshall Huang: It’s ridiculous they give the runner up that platter. It’s like, “Here’s something to smack yourself in the face with for coming in second.” That’s just rough.

Josh Haimi: Yeah he got served, but Murray’s the man. But wait Kose, this dude did what?

Jacob Kose: So in 1983 Albert Rizzo was the mayor of Gzira, this town in Malta, but I guess his city council gave him a week off to tread water for 108 hours, nine minutes. Then in 1984 he broke his own record and tread for 132 hours.

Marjan Zaman: That’s just so much water, dude.

M.H.: That’s also five and a half days. He must’ve been really buoyant, like a-tiny-whale-buoyant, and had boats come up next to him and feed him like 4-5,000 calories a day. Definitely a tiny whale.

J.K.: He wasn’t so huge. You mean like personal chefs handing him floating plates? You think you could tread water while slicing a floating steak? That’s some serious foot-steak coordination.

M.Z.: I’ll bet they fed it to him. Like over the side of the boat.

J.K.: Like throwing fish into a dolphin’s mouth or like mama-bird / baby-bird style?

M.Z.: That’s gross. I’m trying to figure out if they let him take breaks. Cause if he was really buoyant someone could have said “Al, you still treading?” And he could’ve said yes but actually just been floating and no one would have known, like conspiracy floating.

J.H.: Even so, 132 hours? That’s legit. Could you do anything for 132 hours straight?

M.H.: Rage.

J.K.: I don’t even think we could rage for a day and a half. And the same year this dude tread all that water he floated for 36 hours in the open sea with his hands and feet tied together.

M.Z.: That’s so much floating, dude. Also, kind of like torture. You’d have to find a sick T.V. show and watch every episode straight through to stay up that long, like The West Wing.

J.H.: How many hours are in the U.S Open? 128 guys in the field, so 64+32+16+8+4+2+1 is 127 matches, so like 254 hours. I love tennis, Murray’s the man for winning the Olympics and the Open, but that’s just too long.

J.K.: What if we made a highlight reel of the best 132 hours of tennis and I told you that the final was amazing, could you stay up for that? OR, which would you rather do, 132 hours of the best U.S. Open tennis at the actual U.S. Open with a friend, and you can only eat the awesome but expensive food they have and you can’t leave, or at home on a couch, doing whatever you want and inviting over whoever … kind of like tennis-raging, so very civilized, cleanly dressed raging.

M.H.: You gotta stay home. That’s an epic never-ending tennis party that no one’s missing out on — No prelim studying, no party pregaming. Epic. Never-ending. Tennis partying. But more importantly, that match was five hours long and I’m starving. I’ll pick up our food from Pita Pit if you split my order, $1.25 each.

J.H.: I’d definitely go. To the Open, not Pita Pit. If someone told me this would be at the end of 132 hours of tennis I’d totally go.

M.Z. (after spacing out for a solid five minutes): So I’m telling myself to watch this match all day when I get out of class and I fall asleep until five. I run to Oakenshields just to throw back some grub and I’m like, “Happy Dave, there’s no U.S. Open on T.V., can we change that?” so he says, “I do have the power to change that,” and all of the sudden it’s the end of this epic, hour and a half first set, tiebreak goes 22 points, then Murray’s up two sets, we go from Josh’s place to Marshall’s room, Djokovic ties it two-all and somehow Murray pulls it out. Novak just choked at the beginning of the fifth set. Yeah, I’d totally go to the U.S. Open for 132 hours.

J.K.: Alright sweet, Marshall’s going to Pita Pit, then we’ll go to the U.S. Open for 132 hours.

M.H.: Word.

Jacob Kose is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He may be reached at jkose@cornellsun.com. Scrambled Eggs ap­pears alternate Wednesdays this semester.

Original Author: Jacob Kose