Are you on Tinder? That was rhetorical, because I know that you’re not. When I downloaded Tinder it took me approximately four minutes to go through all the local prospects, which I found disappointing.
Tinder is the frankest hook-up iPhone app I’ve ever encountered save it’s homosexual predecessor, Grindr. Even I, the frankest person I know when it comes to sex, was shocked at it’s removal of any and all pretense that comes with wanting to get with someone. As if alcohol wasn’t enough of a social lubricant, with Tinder, you can feasibly see someone across the bar, like them on Tinder and the hardest part of hooking up is done. By using a binary scale of hotness (1=yes, 0=no), the app simplifies the process and overestimates the amount of information you can glean from someone’s profile picture.
Preliminary research has lead me to believe that there are five types of people you’ll find on Tinder:
The Long Distance
When I first downloaded Tinder, my distance settings were set to something ridiculous, linking me to guys about 50 miles away. I was just getting used to it, so I ended up liking someone who was 45 miles away. If you think I’m crazy enough to travel 45 miles to meet someone I met on some ratchet iPhone app based on a picture of them chugging out of a trophy, you’re wildly insane.
The Person You Can’t Believe Is on Tinder
As you got through hitting reject, reject, like, reject, you’re likely to stumble upon this person, exclaiming “WHAT! I thought this person was a virginal beacon of all things pure and prude!” I guess our parents were right: Social media is turning us all into promiscuous attention-whores, even the most pious among us.
The Child
It’s not that I’m morally opposed to people hooking up with freshman, but something about seeing the number 18 listed underneath someone’s picture is jarring. Reject.
The Been There, Done That
This person looks familiar! You may have made out once, but nothing came of it. Throw them a courtesy “like” to show them you’re still interested. Whether it turns into anything or not is beside the point.
The Tinder Tease
This person likes everyone! They just want an ego boost but they won’t actually message or follow through on anything. Tinder for them is just a playground for raising hopes! They break our Tinder hearts.
The Too Good for You
At the very beginning of my Tinder research, I was hesitant to “like” people who I deemed to be out of my league. I call it being Tinder-shy. The cure for Tinder-shyness is to “like” the first person you deem to be out of your league. Whether it’s a match or not, there is no harm done. Grow some Tinder-balls.
Honorable Mentions
The guy whose profile picture is him holding a newborn. The guy I went on a date with who I mentioned in my last column.
Although you may find someone on Tinder, the proportion of the time you spend scrolling through photos versus the chance that you end up having some kind of physical interaction is grossly uneven. Only time will tell how we interact with Tinder and how that translates into our real lives. Tinder is just like everything else in our love lives: only as meaningful as we choose to make it. And, if not meaningful, at least it’s fun.
Morgan Bookheimer is a senior in the College of Human Ecology. She may be reached at [email protected]. Behind the Time appears alternate Thursdays this semester.
Original Author: Morgan Bookheimer