Below is The Sun’s official endorsement for Cornell’s next undergraduate student trustee. In order to be most responsive to the diverse needs of our readership, we opted to make it custom-tailored to any and every member of the campus community. Pick your own goddamn candidate, and fill in the blanks with relevant buzzwords as you see fit.
In the race for undergraduate student trustee, the choice could not be more clear. ______ is by far the most ______ candidate for this position, and his/her ______ sets him/her well above the other candidates. If elected trustee, we will be excited to see ______ follow through on the goals outlined in his/her platform. For instance, he/she has promised to increase ______ for ______; prevent further administrative ______; and save the ______ from University control. Although we do not presume to know whether the other candidates are _____ morons who got into Cornell as a result of connections or just pure dumb luck, we feel safe taking an educated guess that this is true.
The experience ______ has gained from serving as President/Vice President/Representative of ______ on the ______ Assembly/Council/Board/Committee will help him/her fulfill the role of a trustee. Although the student trustee is only one of 64 voting members of the Board of Trustees — and probably holds less than ___ percent of its influence in practice — the position is still extremely/very/super/the most important. The student trustee is all that stands between ______ and the ______ apocalypse. For those of you who have spent more time this week ______-ing about this race than ______-ing, it will be well worth it when ______ is elected next week.
We believe it is not hyperbolic to assert that ______ is the only solution to all of the University’s most pressing problems. Rising cost of tuition? ______ is ON IT. Sexual assaults and bias incidents? A vote for ______ is a vote for safety. Looking for someone to preserve fratstar life at Cornell? Go with ______. (Or, he/she has vowed to advocate demolition of the Greek system if that’s what you’re into.) If you give a crap about our good green earth, you better believe your only option for student trustee is ______. If you don’t support him/her, we believe you must be racist/sexist/homophobic/ugly, as well as a supporter of the destruction of this University. We urge you to vote accordingly.