September 4, 2013

SEX ON THURSDAYS: Hit and Quit: Ladies’ Editon

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There is often a stigma attached to guys when it comes to sex, and for some dudes it is well-founded. As a new columnist for Sex on Thursdays, I just want to start out by saying that I’m a guy’s guy; I’m a bro, by the bro and for the bro. That being said, while I have a tendency to make misogynistic jokes, I am far from someone who looks down on the fairer sex. Therefore, I would like to dedicate this piece to all the ladies out there who encounter an all too common problem: Wanting to casually hookup with a douche, while not giving him the satisfaction of getting laid.

We’ve all been there — boys and girls alike — the longing desire for a selfish, wild night of roommate-waking, mattress-breaking romping. But a girl may find herself in this particular conundrum: She does not want to hit-and-quit a nice guy because she’d feel bad about using him; but she may not care about slummin’ it with a guy who would just as soon kick a puppy, if it weren’t for giving him the pleasure of catching such sweet tail. At the risk of sounding like a traitor, I have composed a list of various ways you can have it your way, while at the same time crushing his enormous ego (which is probably taking up valuable bed space).

I present to you, Hit-and-Quit: Ladies’ Edition.

1) “But My Name’s Peter:” There is no greater blow to a man’s ego than hearing a name that’s not his, especially if it happens to be the name of an old boyfriend or a very feminine name. Once your half of the romp is done and your partner embarks on his own quest for penile salvation, start thinking of a name, any name at all, that is as far from his as possible. There’s no greater rush for a guy than when he hears “OH GOD! OHH YESS!”… And no greater crash than when he hears “OHHH LESLIE!!” (Difficulty: Very Easy; Chance of Ending Sex: Almost Guaranteed)

2) “Um … Could You Use a Little Less Teeth?:” Love bites on the neck = hot. Love bites on any body part not in man-land = super hot. Love bites in man-land = no such thing. It is a common misconception that if a guy has any part of his genitalia in a girl’s mouth, then he’s coming out ahead (pun intended). If he finds himself under the sheets with Ms. Pacman, however, then shouts of passion will quickly turn to screams of agony. (Difficulty: Also easy, but be careful not to draw blood as that’s enjoyable for no one; Chance of Ending Sex: Not immediate, especially if he’s a bit sadistic. But it will get the job done if you’re persistent).

3) “What Do You Mean, ‘Still Sore from an Hour Ago?’:” No guy wants to be sloppy seconds, especially if he immediately follows the entrée. Whether or not you choose to have multiple hookups in one night is up to you, but the goal here is to at least make him think he’s Round 2. This can be accomplished with various hints, or you could take the dive and actually have those multiple hookups. Aside from the gross physical feeling of knowing that two hours ago another penis had been where his is now, the thought that he’s not even top dog for the night sucks. (Difficulty: Varies, depending on how authentic you want to make it; Chance of Ending Sex: Hit or miss. It will immediately end the night for some guys, while others won’t care at all)

4) “I Love You Too… Now Please Go:” This is a desperation attempt or for those who like a challenge, as many guys are impervious to this until they finish. I’m not talking about the generic “I think I’m in love with you” line, because many douches will go along with it for the night just to get laid. The test here is to really lay it on thick — I’m talking crazy eyes, making plans for dates in the next few weeks and even dropping the F-word (yes… “family”). As this usually takes time to unfold, it’ll be a true test of your wit and skill. (Difficulty: For the experienced; Chance of Ending Sex: Different for each guy, but it relies heavily on how good you are).

5) “Get Up and Leave After You’ve Finished:” There’s no crafty joke here. You can literally just get up after you’re done, get dressed and walk out the door. (Difficulty: Insanely easy, but not as fun as the others; Chance of Ending Sex: By definition, immediately).

Do your best to get yourself satisfied as early as possible. If he’s the jackhole you’re preparing for, he’ll probably try to finish first anyways.

Sorry guys, the jig is up. Treat women with respect, and this won’t be you.

Donny J. is a senior in the College of Engineering. He may be reached at donnyj@cornellsun.com. Headshakes and High Fives appears alternate Thursdays this semester.

Original Author: Donny J.