September 18, 2013

SEX ON THURSDAYS: The Good, the Bad and the So What

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By DONNY J.

Awww yeah, it’s that time again! Donny J’s back for another round of all things under the sheets. This week, I decided I would discuss the name and relevance of my column, Headshakes and High Fives. Simply stated, pretty much everyone who has a hook-up history of any kind knows that their tongue resumé is loaded with both hits and misses. And you know what? That’s ok! Guys ask each other all the time what their average is (to which I respond: “A 2.7 but grad schools love the GREs too. AM I RIGHT FOLKS?!). But in all seriousness, it’s a dumb statistic — much like a GPA — that carries more social weight than it should. Why should how much game you have solely depend on how attractive ALL of your hookups are? First of all, everyone has a different standard for what is and isn’t attractive, nevermind trying to reach perfect hotnesses on the 10 scale. Secondly, it isn’t always about how good he or she looks, but how great the hookup was. Let’s look at these two cases as examples:

Case 1: “My sex GPA is in fact a 9.396. What kind of classes did I bang? Intro to Courtney Miller, Melissa Jacobs 101, and, of course, my Freshmen Riding Seminar: Lily Thomas. I mean the classes weren’t overly difficult — they just kinda sat there the whole time and moaned a little. Extracurriculars? Well after Club Fest freshmen year, I signed up for a lot of the girls on my floor. I never spoke to them after the first month or two, but I did sleep with a sketch comedy group for two semesters. Oh and my junior year I got head from my thermodynamics research lab, but I was so drunk I didn’t even feel it. “

Case 2: “Yes, I understand that at 7.152 my sex GPA is a bit on the low side. The course load was quite difficult though. My sophomore spring year I had to take Dynamics of Rachel Cooper’s Mouth and Structure and Properties of Nina Roberts Ridiculous Donk. They were challenging and I realized I had a lot to learn, but it was rewarding. For instance, for a final project, Nina got her legs behind her head. I also understand that I do not have as wide a variety of activities as most, but I made sure to get the most out of the one’s I did bang.  Also as you can see, this past summer I totally boned an internship at GM.”

You get my point. Anyone who has had multiple hookups and claimed they were all awesome sex with perfect 10s is LYING. Whether you end up doing the Strut of Fame or the Walk of Shame, just own it. Excuse me miss, yes he had terrible body odor, he had no idea where to put his hands, and I’m pretty sure he thought the clitoris was something on your face. But guess what? While your roomie stayed in to finish her problem set due in three weeks, giiiirl you got some! Next weekend, Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome with the six-pack and beautiful singing voice is waiting just around the corner.

Hooking up is not a competition with your friends (unless you want to make it one, in which case email me at donnyj@cornellsun.com and I will make my next article a list of rules for a hookup game). Some nights you feel the need to let loose, and it just so happens there’s slim pickings at the party you opted for. Other times, he or she may just be an incredibly nice person — an admirable quality, not based on appearance, crazy right? Embrace the good with the ugly, understanding that when everyone teases you because they think they’ve never had it that bad, tomorrow night is swiftly approaching. So I’ll do me. You do you. And then I’ll do your roommate. Tiffany. Because I swear she was throwing me looks the other night.

When all your friends are shaking their heads Sunday morning, they’ll be throwing you high-fives next Friday night.

Donny J. is a senior in the College of Engineering. He may be reached at donnyj@cornellsun.com. Headshakes and High Fives appears alternate Thursdays this semester.