November 13, 2013

SEX ON THURSDAY: YOCO: You Only College Once

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By DONNY J

Who could forget their first dancefloor makeout (Super Mash Bros, Arts Quad Concert, Aug. 28, 2010)? There’s often a stigma attached with being “that couple” in a crowd, as if others are offended by two people who just met expressing a mutual desire for some tongue. But when you find yourself questioning the choices you make, understand that college hands you two guns in your latex holster: opportunity and a carefree attitude. You have four years in which it’s ok to walk into a blacklit house that isn’t yours with people you may barely know, and then decide: “Hey, that redhead in the corner is pretty cute. I’ll ask her if she wants to rhythmically sway to Ke$ha with my jeans-covered boner in between her butt cheeks.” Where else can you do that? Certainly not at Target at 2PM when you thought she was giving you looks in the detergent aisle and you were just trying to take the initiative … ahem, anyway.

Now, don’t take what I just said out of context — your primary goal in college should not be to score new tail every weekend. What I’m saying is that all of us have completely natural, primitive, sexual desires that are suppressed most of the time. Why do you think the Soviet Union collapsed? Because they weren’t allowed to get hammered and grind up on strangers at Level B.

Cornell students like to adopt the “work hard, party hard” mentality. Masking sexual frustration with textbooks and problem sets would cause anyone to want to lock lips with the first thing they lay eyes on at DKE (my second dancefloor makeout). College-style hookups aren’t just a bi-product of the environment; they are a necessary remedy for our daily struggles. Maybe if North and South Korea had frat parties lining their border, there would not be war today.

Obviously, I’m somewhat exaggerating. You’ll realize as you go from freshmen to senior year that random hookups aren’t always as easy as walking up to people and humping them. We generally get most of their random hookups out of the way freshmen year, leaving the rest of our time here for hookups that are a blend of craft and impulse.  That’s right kids, you might actually have to *gasp* talk to people! I know, right? Tragic. Keep in mind that girls at parties are generally being hit on by creepy guys all night, so you’ll have to make yourself stand out somehow. Hell, you’ll probably have to ask her for her name, maybe drop a cheesy pickup line like: “Excuse me miss, did you fall from heaven? Because your face looks busted.” But remember that this is college — most of the other people in the room are bound to be feeling the same impulses you’re feeling. All it takes is a few of the right words and confidence.

Switching gears now, I’d like to talk about another frequently-occurring phenomenon that will never be as awkward outside of college as it is during: hooking up with people you know. We all know the expression “don’t shit where you eat.” Well, college students have a hard time abiding by the similar “don’t cum where you problem set” rule. Think about this: Saturday afternoon, you’re working on calculations and plots with that girl in your heat transfer lab. Saturday night, your tongues are locked on the podium at Pixel, just 20 minutes away from practicing how to make babies. Sunday afternoon, you two are back discussing what those plots and calculations have to do with the theoretical thermodynamic cycles (excuse my constant engineering references, at least you know we get around). If both people are very chill about it, then the work will get done smoothly, you’ll get an A+ and celebrate with pizza and sex, minus the pizza. But it could also end very poorly. When you’re trying to solve for Nu, you cannot help but think of that awesome thing she did from the edge of the bedpost. Sexual flashback distractions = D, and not the kind you want.

YOLO. Carpe Diem. #cantstopwontstop. It’s All Good. However cliché your motto is, they each have a bit of truth. I do not condone bad decisions, but I am a very impulsive person myself. Having a good time in college is not about making choices with zero consequences, but about creating experiences in which there are enough good outcomes to outweigh the bad ones. But hey even if there aren’t … YOCO.

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