By DONNY J.
As you can see, today is a little different. This is an original work for all of the guys out there to read to that special someone to whom tomorrow is dedicated. Warning: It starts out douchey, but then it turns sweet –– similar to how many people have described me. So happy Valentine’s Day, and may you find yourself a permanent bed-buddy if you haven’t already.
Roses are red; violets are blue. / I love our amazing sex, and I know you do too.
It’s a day for nice lingerie, so small and slinky. / So away with the bland stuff: It’s time for the kinky.
You know that thing you do with your right leg and five feet of rope? / Actually, we’ll save that for my birthday. This time, we’ll do it on the Slope.
And this year, V-Day is on Friday, so we won’t hold back for that 8:40 a.m. class. / We can get it on all night –– or at least for as long as I usually last.
V-Day sex is where it’s at, because we both put time aside / From our endless days of work, so I can take you out and then later, jump your hide.
You see, I love you more than I can say or show, and more than all of the things I can buy. / I just talk about sex because it’s the only way I know how to show you I’m happy to be your guy.
There are over three billion males in this world who aren’t as lucky as I am every day. / And it’s not just because I look this good shirtless; it’s because in your heart, I get to stay.
So please forgive my drunken nights of stumbling and yelling, “I love you, girl!” / You always kindly proceed to take care of me as I sit over the toilet to hurl.
I’ll give you all the chocolate and flowers –– I’ll steal them all if I must! / Though I probably shouldn’t do that, since V-Day in prison would be quite a bust.
And we’ll go out to a nice place, or I’ll cook at home –– whichever you prefer. / Either way, I get to spend my night looking across the table thinking, “Damn, look at her.”
Soon, I’ll get to make sweet love to you and then head to brunch after we wake. / I won’t be slinking home after a night of regret –– I love you for goodness’ sake!
Getting to have sex with you makes me grateful for more than just a steady lay. / It’s a sign that I’ve found someone to slow down for, and I want to show you that in every way.
Tonight, I really don’t want to make a baby, so let’s just practice a lot instead. / Let our genitals collide in a way that makes us question the stability of our bed.
Let’s scream and sweat because we can. We’ll show our housemates that their nights aren’t nearly as good. / And then we should watch reruns of Friends until 5 a.m. simply because we could.
I love you, baby, more than sex could ever possibly convey. / Just like you always are, please be mine on this Valentine’s Day.
Donny J. is a senior in the College of Engineering. He may be reached at email@example.com. Headshakes and High Fives appears alternate Thursdays this semester.