March 12, 2014

SEX ON THURSDAYS: Who Am I?

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By DONNY J.

I have regrets. We all do. I was not the most socially active, going-out person before college and thought I was making a relatively seamless transition into becoming one my freshmen year. I would go out every weekend (sober, mind you), party, rage, dance and have the best time, occasionally throwing in some dancefloor makeouts. Then life hits, and the guy who had sex with zero girls as of April 2011 has reached a gaudy, disgraceful and far-from-ending-soon number of 24. That’s not a typo. That is what anger, sadness, alcohol, a desire to have fun and trying to prove something to others and yourself will do.

Cornell has been great to me, but it has also taken its toll on me in many regards. That’s what happens, and it varies in extremity and duration for all. You’ll meet someone, fall in love and have it not work out. Then you’ll sustain a concussion (or two or four) mix it in with slipping grades, post-breakup coping and discovering what alcohol can do. You might choose to sleep with people you probably shouldn’t because you are upset with yourself and are questioning how much of a catch you really are. Hey, if you have sex with every girl who wants to have sex with you, that means you’re a stud, right? Well, technically yes. But you’re a stud who has lost touch with what he used to believe.

Hey, if you have sex with every girl who wants to have sex with you, that means you’re a stud, right? Well, technically yes. But you’re a stud who has lost touch with what he used to believe.

I never wanted my first time to be a drunken, one-night stand. Thankfully, it was not. It was someone who I dated and loved (albeit, we had sex before the dating started. But it worked out fine). Even after the breakup, I always told myself that sex would be reserved at least for someone who I really liked and cared about. Of those 24 (I still cannot believe that number), I think it’s safe to say I really liked — in a “wanting to maybe date” sense — fewer than five. How did that happen? I’d like to blame it on the Goose (that’d be a lie, I live for the Kraken) but around halfway through junior year, my hookups were less alcohol-based. Both the girl and I were sober, maybe tipsy at the most, and we would get to talking and things would just happen. At some point, I got a thrill and a natural high off of it. I even kept tallies for certain categories (10 sororities, five varsity sports, one threesome). It continued to where I’m at now, where I do it just because I, like most guys and girls, enjoy having sex.

If you’re thinking to yourself, “Wow, he treats women like sexual objects and encourages predatory behavior,” then you are 1) making assumptions about me because you think you know everything when you really don’t, and 2) missing the whole point. First of all, having sex with people who also want to have sex with you does not make you a misogynist or a predator. As a member of one of Cornell’s anti-sexual violence groups for almost a year and a half now, I’m well aware of what goes on and I do everything I can to prevent such actions. Secondly, when I come home at 3 a.m. to all my guy friends on the couch, do you think I’m expecting a round of high-fives and cheers? No, its usually less celebratory and more of a dismissive attitude.  And you know what, I’m comfortable with that now. There’s no brag-value at this point. It serves me no purpose other than the other girl and I are having a good time for at least a few hours.

As I repeat in literally every article, there’s no substitute for sharing yourself with one person. It’s not like I haven’t tried to pursue someone who I’ve had interest in for more than just the physical. Everyone has their own Gatsby green lights that they admire from afar, be it the varsity athlete you sit next to in every class or that newspaper columnist you had a thing for before ever since meeting her in person. But as I said before, life happens. I’ve accepted that I’m going to have fun in college, and if that means going out and having sex with girls who also want to have sex with me, then I’ll do it. I have not given up on what I want in life, I’ve just put my beliefs on hold for a bit.

Call me whatever you want: scum, douchebag or even womanizer. I may not be the moral compass for everyone to follow, but you can be as sure I have not lost sight of anything. As ironic as it may be to reference Jesus, let anyone of you without sin throw the first stone.

Donny J. is a senior in the College of Engineering. He may be reached at donnyj@cornellsun.com. Headshakes and High Fives appears alternate Thursdays this semester.

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