September 24, 2014

SEX ON THURSDAYS: Much Ado About Cumming

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By HITCH

Every time you hear about sex in movies or popular culture, it seems as if grand promises of improvement are always being made. Follow these tips and you can last longer, love harder and make your girlfriend orgasm more times than your favorite pornstar.

Cumming, orgasming or “getting off” is on the minds of many people exploring sex — especially with this added pressure. And it makes sense that these topics might be on your mind. A correctly-timed orgasm just might be the sexiest part of sex. Imagine your partner moaning, with eyes rolling back in their head, while you try to hold everything in right before you explode. This synced up sex is sensual, fiery and can include every good adjective in between.

But how can you consistently make this happen? And, what if it doesn’t?

Fortunately and unfortunately, I don’t think the answer is to just do better. That would be too easy of a problem to solve. This should help put your mind at ease and relax a bit — something I’ve always had trouble doing — knowing that climaxing is a different journey for everyone and that the solution isn’t so simple. Acknowledging that fact will decrease the disappointment or frustration you might feel when you finish too early or fail to finish at all.

Although admitting that you won’t make all of your partners orgasm every time is challenging, there seems to be a number of other hurdles we face beyond managing our own expectations. The first: letting your history go. For example, during the first few months of an old fling, my partner would reach her climax faster than I could put on the Usher song of the same name. A simple touch, kiss on the clit or slow penetration would work like a charm. But, after our first few fights, it went away. It didn’t matter how much or how little sex we had. It also didn’t seem to matter whether or not she thought the sex was good or bad. We were frustrated and she was in her head. No matter where I touched her or where she touched herself, she became convinced she’d never get there again.

If you’ve ever met this challenge, you can understand the difficulty, and you might claim my solution is a bit too simple. But, getting out of your head and living in the moment will always do the trick. Sure, acting these concepts out can be a lot easier said than done. However, things like music, a drink or two or new locations can help you embrace the now and remove you from the thoughts that might creep in and make it difficult to focus on your partner. Working with these ideas, and constantly reminding yourself to embrace them, will help make your sex life what it should be: stress-free and enjoyable.

I’ll call the next challenge: faking it but rarely making it. The Journal of Sex Research says 67 percent of women and 28 percent of men have faked an orgasm. Not surprisingly, the same study indicates only 20 percent of their partners think their partners will fake orgasm with them. This discrepancy presents a real issue. Some aren’t getting to the top of the mountain while others are under the impression they are carrying their partner all the way there. In this scenario, communication is lacking and improvement never occurs: two of my deadliest sex sins.

Unlike other hurdles, this one isn’t all bad. The same study finds that some men and women do, occasionally, convince themselves into an orgasm. And, if that works for you, by all means continue. But if it isn’t working, it is time to take your partner out of the dark and inform them of your trickery. You might find that their increased understanding will open them up to new pursuits and they might even put in a little extra effort to make sure you’re moaning all night long.

Even though my last hurdle, the complacency challenge, more easily applies to long-term couples, it can have an impact on everyone. Anyone with a steady booty call or relationship knows this narrative: your partner shows up, a quick conversation occurs, you kiss, have sex in the same three positions and head to bed. This routine might occur for a few weeks, months or years and boredom will most likely set in. A lot of sex is great, but a lot of the same kind of sex isn’t.

To get out of this rut, new positions should be added and I advise using the book 365 Sex Positions for ideas. Some of the more interesting positions to explore are the G-Spot Striker, the Pogo and Tribal Rhythm. In addition to new positions, be open with your partner(s) about your fantasies. Most of us have those few things they’ve always been interested in exploring. Sharing this idea with your partner can be intimidating and rejection can be tough. Despite these challenges, I’d implore everyone to remain open to new ideas and continue to investigate new fantasies until you find a couple that you are both comfortable with.

All of the above hurdles and challenges are common and sexual partners face them more often than you’d think. Recognizing them, dealing with them and moving on will help you realize that you might’ve been worrying about orgasm too much and that all along there was much ado about nothing.

Hitch is a senior in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. He can be reached at hitch@cornellsun.com. Hints From Hitch appears alternate Thursdays this semester.

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