October 9, 2015

CHANDLER | An App for That

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By SARAH CHANDLER

We take a lot of things for granted in everyday life, but perhaps what we most take for granted is the fact that we take things for granted. For example, it’s pretty much a universal truth that there is an awkward stage between “It’s rude not to hold the door for someone” and “It would actually be an imposition to hold the door for someone.” Navigating these social situations can be tough, but we have resigned ourselves to dealing with them because we don’t really have a choice. Well, what if we did? Here are some suggestions for iPhone apps that just might make everyday existence more bearable.

Is My Chewing as Loud to Everyone Else as it is to Me?

The age-old question. Although the better question may be Why haven’t we come up with a way to decrease the auditory input from chewing? We’ve developed a way to blind ourselves to our own noses, for goodness’ sake. Unfortunately, until they can implant the iPhone directly into our brain, there’s no app for that. We could use one to tell us how loud our chewing is, though. Just to assuage our anxious consciences so we can chew crunchy foods with pride.

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The Sleep-Deprivationometer

Ever find yourself calculating exactly how much sleep you’ll get if you go to bed right now? Never mind how unrealistic that is. What if there was an alarm clock app that, when you set your alarm for the next morning, told you exactly how much sleep you’d be getting? Now instead of using your math skills to figure out that you’ll get a whopping two hours of sleep at this rate, you can use them on the homework that kept you up in the first place.

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Caffeination Calculator

How many pumpkin spice lattes can you have in your system before you are legally unable to take a prelim or operate heavy machinery? The caffeination calculator takes into account height, weight, age, gender, major, Greek status and whether you said, “I’m such a basic white bitch lol” before you took your first sip.

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Bitch Face Modulator

This will be a feature on all iOS 10 devices; the software update will include a built-in biological feedback indicator that detects when the carrier of the device feels affronted by what is popularly called resting bitch face. If you have been told you suffer from this affliction, you can download an additional app for $4.99 that scans the vicinity for anyone who is responding to a resting bitch face and you will receive a sharp electric shock. This will allow you to change your face so that it is in accord with the social conventions arbitrarily designated by the random people around you. Definitely worth the price, as you can now carry on with your daily business without worrying whether you come across as vaguely unpleasant to strangers whose opinions about your face inexplicably matter to you.

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All gifs courtesy of giphy.com.

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