October 13, 2015

DENSON | What In The World is Up With Baron Davis?

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By BEN DENSON

The grey gooey creature stared at his eyes. He glanced left, looked down and gave the okay. With heavy beads of sweat melting down his forehead, he gripped the suspense. The specimen squirmed, reaching out his hand just for the sake of reaching. Rotting corpses stunk up the room. He could feel his gut pulsing and pushing. The creature’s sweat mixed with his tears, puddling on the arctic cold slate.

Is this the way it ends? Death by the hands of this … thing … this Chris Bosh/James Carville alien-like being? Does it talk? Does it even breathe? I thought Linsanity was out of this world but this? Maybe it was a Knicks fan?

Yes, your wildest dreams have come true. Baron Davis was abducted by aliens in 2013. With his best days behind him, the 2012 New York Knicks backup point guard Baron Davis was on his way to Vegas.

Driving through the Mojave Desert, Davis tiredly gazed at cactus after cactus, tumbleweeds on end, and the never-ending sunburnt American West. What if I didn’t break my knee? Surely the Knicks would re-sign me, I mean, Jeremy Lin is just a fad. The “Linstigator” can’t go on forever.

Two lights screeched out a baritone honk in the distance. “The next thing you know, dude, like, I was in this f—— steel thing,” Davis told The New York Post. Davis was kindly dropped off at an In-N-Out Burger in Los Angeles after the experience.

Terrified, he ordered double his usual. But even five double cheeseburgers and three orders of French fries weren’t enough to calm the startled Davis.

I tend to mistrust all frank and uncomplicated people. I think its only natural to question Baron Davis’s alien abduction story, but why would the man lie? Once a highly touted player, a young Ben remembers him being the cornerstone of the pre-Chris Paul New Orleans Hornets.

Under the Mike D’Antoni coached Knicks, Davis was an afterthought. He was the 13th man on a twelve-man roster. He was that last slice of pepperoni Dominos pizza that you swear you put in the fridge, but we all know has been on living room coffee table for three days.

“I come back and like, I’m sharper and s—. You know what I mean?…I’m retaining information,” Davis said.

The two-time all-star is ready for an NBA comeback. After some tongue-in-cheek training with Steve Nash, Davis and Nash shared some elderly wisdom. “You’re a lot closer to my level than I expected,” Davis told Nash. Davis insists that his beer belly will be to his advantage, and the self-described “fattyboy” embraces the chub.

“The Continuing Saga of Baron Davis” needs to get more attention. He’s training with NBA legends, gambling away his CBA bargained salary, growing the meanest beard since Rick Ross doned his and getting abducted by aliens in the Las Vegas desert.

“You have a meeting with the Warriors, they’re interested in signing you,” Davis’ agent exclaimed over the phone. “So what are you doing today … you wanna hang out?”

“Naw I don’t want to hang out with you man, we got nothing in common” Davis stated ever so bluntly according to The Post.

Even two years after the abduction, Baron Davis has not graced us with an NBA appearance. Hopefully, the aliens gave him enough powers to be overweight, mildly productive NBA player. I hear Knicks are trying to fill out their roster. Oh, and two weeks later, Davis told the New York Daily News that he had been on Percocet at the time of the abduction.

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