By THE DUCHESS
You are a slut. You dress provocatively and have sex with too many people. Of course, the reason you’re a slut doesn’t really matter. You’re an object of “affection” either way. Why do you accept this identity? You have value. Why do you not think being called a slut is derogative? You are very sexually open. Open to exploring, to sharing experiences with many people, willing to indulge in exciting and new sexual encounters. You know how to have fun. Of course you’re beautiful … or hot/sexy/slutty/bae … I mean that’s the same thing right? You attract pretty much every single man. Whether you offer him your beauty to enjoy, your ass to grope or a hole to stick his dick into. Either way, you’re attractive — or that’s how you see yourself at least, how you let others define you.
There are women who self identify as “sluts.” There are also women who allow others to call them sluts. If you chose to call yourself a slut and get yourself into these multiple-partner situations, society is quick to tell you it’s your choice and your fault. Admittedly, it’s a double standard, and an unfair label placed on many. If you don’t want people to call you a slut, society says, just stop going out, drinking and hooking up with people (however you define that). Just wear more conservative clothes, don’t really talk to guys unless you have a real reason to do so, especially if they have a girlfriend, don’t eat healthy because then you’ll be told you care too much about being hot. Stop wearing make-up or doing your hair. Seriously. Just STOP TRYING TO BE A SLUT.
It might just be me, but there seems to be a missing link between talking, dressing, choosing to be a certain way and the assumed treatment of disrespect that seems to be the immediate response to it. I really don’t remember authorizing a male friend to slap my butt, asking to be be stalked or constantly called on for sex, but I have been addressed or treated in this regard. Sure, these are all things that I brushed under the carpet and hid under my protective slut identity.
So what is this identity? When you degrade yourself enough, there doesn’t seem to be any room left for anyone to do this for you. If you indulge in and are open about giving blowjobs, letting men talk to you or do to you as they wish, abuse your body without caring much about boundaries or respect, then it’s ok for others to do the same. By assuming this “slut-identity,” you can slowly degrade any aspect of your personality that you would consider worthy for others to admire in you, and you instead become as sturdy exterior, ready to house someone else’s pleasure. You don’t believe yourself worthy of being admired or loved. I mean what’s the point? If they don’t want to stick their dick in you, what could they possibly want from you?
I truly believe that understanding sexuality is an ideal way to connect with raw human nature, unaffected by any kind of social influence which then creates character. It could be argued that our raw nature doesn’t mean anything or matter in any way since we never make an use of it. Nevertheless, understanding the true meaning of an individual, their true desires, basic pleasures, all that which Freud called the ‘id,’ is a beautiful way to tap into the true yearnings and needs of an individual. What their pain is, what their fears are, what they need in life. Stemming from this is the argument that the seeking of love and affection is based on this deep-founded loneliness and lack of fundamental pleasure and connection. What easier way to connect with someone than the physical? When you literally have someone else inside you, someone who for that moment wants only you, then of course you’re going to feel that you are connected to them in some way. And maybe this connection, for some time at least, is enough. All you have to do then is indulge in the identity which most endorses this connection. Slut.
If others tell you you’re a slut, you will begin telling yourself you’re a slut, and eventually allow yourself to believe it’s an identity suited to you. You can slowly sink down into it and live within its walls, almost as a way of protecting yourself with the real connection that can tear you apart and expose the deepest and darkest parts.
Escaping the identity is hard. Not impossible, but hard. It hurts and it’s confusing. But oh, is it worth it to find value in something other than the physical. Find the part of yourself that you truly believe is worth knowing and loving; the part of yourself that makes you feel truly beautiful. Being a self-defined slut might be safe and easy, but it’s nothing compared to the beauty, relief and wholeness of being human.
The Duchess is a student at Cornell. Comments may be sent to [email protected]. Between the Sheets appears periodically this semester.