October 28, 2015

SEX ON THURSDAY | A Guide to Road Head

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This summer, my girlfriend and I were driving back from a day spent relaxing on the beach when we started talking about the pinnacle of vehicular sex acts — road head. Both she and I had never tried it before, and after several minutes of hesitation, we decided to just go for it. Things started slowly, me trying to keep my focus on the road and her trying to figure out where everything needed to be positioned. After about a minute, my girlfriend was successfully bobbing up and down on my dick, one of my hands in her hair and the other hand gripping the wheel. Yeah, things were going pretty nicely.

It was at that point that I took a quick look to my right, just in time to see a middle-aged man pull up next to our car in a white pickup truck. After a moment he took a look to his left, his elevated position giving him a perfect view of the entire scene. He did a double take, looking away before quickly snapping his head back as he realized what he was seeing. Our eyes connected for two unbearably awkward seconds, me still getting blown while his expressionless face stared directly into my soul. After a few moments, his face burst into a hilariously wide grin as gave me a big thumbs up and drove off down the freeway. To that dude who saw me getting my first B.J. on wheels: Thanks for being a homie.

Okay, so my first experience with road head was not exactly perfect. But I did learn some valuable tips and tricks on how to make your on-the-go-fellatio a success.

1. Pick the right car

Specifically, pick a car without a bulky center divider. If that divider is too big, your partner won’t be able to reach their body across to give you the good stuff. Small cars usually work well, SUVs not so much.

2. Get your hair under control

All the long-haired guys and gals out there will need to invest in at least one hair tie. Your partner is getting his dick sucked, so his attention is already pretty divided. If he has to keep looking down to gather up your hair, you might just end up dying while giving head. Probably not the worst way to go, but play it safe.

3. Location, Location, Location

By this, I basically mean stick to the freeway. That way, the driver can just focus on driving straight without having to focus on turns or stoplights. More specifically, you should get to the far left lane. That way, you’ll only have one adjacent lane to worry about. Which brings me to my next point…

4. Be prepared for someone to see you

Unless you’re blowing a secret service agent or an A-list celebrity, tinted windows aren’t usually an option. While your partner can speed up and slow down so as to not be directly next to another car, chances are someone will see you going all Monica Lewinski on his sex pistol. If it’s a regular person, all you can do is own it. If it’s a cop, you should probably put the dick away and pretend like you were looking for your sunglasses.

5. Foreplay is your friend

I can pretty much tell you for a fact that leaning over that center console will not be particularly comfortable for whoever is giving the B.J. Definitely make sure the guy is warmed up and ready to go before actually going down on him — your neck and ribs will thank me later.

6. Throw some mood music on

Let’s be honest, road head (while great) might still be slightly awkward at first. Setting the mood with some smooth tunes will definitely enhance the experience.

7. When you are about to finish, you should probably just pull over

When most guys finish, their legs start to spasm like crazy. It would kind of suck if one of those spasming legs was connected to a gas pedal. If you can, definitely pull over when the guy gets close.

7. Definitely just swallow

Yes, I know there are some people who absolutely hate to swallow. Unfortunately, when you’re traveling at 60 miles per hour in a flying hunk of metal, anything else you try will just be a distracting mess. Take one for the team.

8. Watch out for biting!

One bad pothole and you might end up doing some … permanent damage.

9. Don’t get too distracted

While road head is inherently distracting, try to keep the driver’s focus on the road. The last thing you want is an accident, which is a huge, awkward pain for everyone involved.

Dong Burgundy is a student at Cornell. Comments may be sent to dong.burgundy@cornellsun.com. Afternoon Delight appears periodically  this semester.  

  • ANormalHumanBeing

    What the hell is this? What is wrong with you people?

  • sexistapologist

    Saying “Definitely just swallow” to a girl in this case is probably the only time when that doesn’t come off as skeevy.

  • Stephen

    I concur with the previous comments. This article is both inappropriate and a poor representation of the caliber of work Cornell is highly regarded for.

  • Angry Alum

    What kind of trash article is this? As a Cornell alum I’m disgusted by this piece. I’ll for sure never support the Daily Sun in any way.

  • Common Sense

    Angry people these are sex columns that appear every other Thursday. They are meant for fun and entertainment. I assume we’re all adults here so like they said in the movie Stripes …


  • Vanessa

    Thank you! I’m waiting in my man’s car while he is in the store, aaand… You rock.

  • Robett

    My wife and I have practiced road head several times during our marriage. She loves sucking my cock anyway and has since day one of our relationship. The most memorable time I can remember was on a drive home from some friends house one July 4th evening. We took the freeway and I set the cruise control and stayed in the right hand lane . This gave me the ability to shift around in the seat to help with her positioning. It was starting to get dark out when she decided she wanted to try it this time. I was driving a cargo van at the time that had bucket seats and the area between the seats was quite spacious, which allowed her to actually get out of her seat, kneel on the floor next to me,. I swung the arm rest up out of the way which gave her lots of room. She helped me get out of my pants completely, which really helped with the positioning . She always carries an old cloth diaper in her purse for just this type of thing for easy clean up. Well when she took me in her mouth, it was divine. The distraction of course can be an issue especially when she is continually just bobbing her head up and down, using lots of tongue and does a lot of slurping. She is amazing and loves her craft. We were getting close to home as she intensified her actions, and just as I let loose in her mouth, there were fireworks erupting in the sky at the same time I was erupting in her mouth. What a spectacle. She came up and watched the fireworks and told me that she was happy for me that both things happened at the same time. Yes I was a happy boy. We got home and I proceeded to give her oral until she had her own fireworks going off. Thanks for letting me post

  • MissFantastic

    Wow brilliant post. My BF and I are road tripping tomorrow,starting 3am, so I’ll have the night sky on my side.
    I’ve never done road head before but reading This article and Robett’s post. I’m so enthusiastic about this.

    It sounds like such an adrenaline rush. Wow I cannot wait. He’s going to be so thrilled.
    Thank you for the tips.