October 28, 2015

SEX ON THURSDAY | Fuck Me Fuzzy, Hold Me Whole

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By THE DUCHESS

Yesterday I touched a public door-handle, money, a text book, my dirty laundry, a trash can, my coffee maker, my keys, the bus doors, my laptop and your penis. Yes, we have indeed been intimate.  I’m sure many can relate to this disconnect — these meaningless sexual interactions. But it seems ironic to me that this emotional distance from my partner is actually what I want least. Somehow, in the search for intimacy, I found myself pushing an emotional connection further and further away; love and vulnerability with another individual became the most feared reality. I found myself having to accept the power that society has in forming the ideal sexual interaction: what its beginning, middle and end ought to look like. Luckily, the college norm of detached hookups fit perfectly with my “intimacy” plan.

Society has an almost “rational” understanding of intimacy which begins from the least “intrusive” aspect of connection — kissing — then proceeds to a higher level  — oral sex — and ends in the most intimate of all: vaginal sex (in a heterosexual encounter). Let’s take a step back though and consider what each of these levels of intimacy really mean. On the surface, this chronology seems to be an intimate way for partners to slowly foster a connection, building up to the excitement of sexual intercourse. But how far can sexual intimacy really go if it has no emotional component? I’ve definitely had multiple instances of intellectual sex, if you will. When a conversation is so stimulating, that it awakens the depth of your soul, caressing your neurons as they fire full-speed and explore the beauty of the topic of choice. I’m not sure this is something that can be easily replaced by a good dick. Yes, a good dick used resourcefully can stimulate a very significant part of the self, but is this ever enough? Maybe there’s also a true danger in seeking physical as well as intellectual or emotional intimacy from the same person. Then, if you lose them, you lose all of these connections. So maybe intimacy can’t really be understood rationally?

And then when sex becomes an in-n-out experience, how much is it even about intimacy any more? Or even about any kind of connection beyond physical pleasure? If you take a step back, you can actually see that with each level of intimacy, you are less and less likely to be looking at your partner’s face or body, less likely to be intimately engaged with them. It’s almost easiest to depersonalize someone as more of a sexual provider when their body is pressed against yours and you just feel their dick inside you, or you’re not even turned towards them when you’re on all fours being fucked doggy style. You don’t even have to think of them as a person any more. It’s so easy to see the process of “hooking up” (whatever that means) as a journey to the prized trophy that is sex. It’s almost as if a single night hookup that didn’t get to the point of vaginal sex is incomplete/more personal/less about the sex than in a single night’s fuck. When you make out with someone and then have sex, it’s so easy to just stick the “fuck buddy” or “one-night-stand” label onto it and be done with the situation. But what if you just never gave yourself to them fully?

There is an empowering feeling in not giving yourself to someone. You tell yourself things to persuade yourself that you don’t need a partner — that you can be happy and satisfied alone. I am a strong, confident woman, and I don’t need your love. I am a strong, confident woman, and I don’t need your adoration. I am a strong, confident woman, and I don’t need your penis. Please don’t leave though. Please stay. I don’t want to be alone. To some, this might sound very contradictory, but it’s not so hard to see when you realize how easy it is to feel used. Be it for sex, as an object of adoration, as a resource for a good or emotional service. The easiest thing to do, is remove the possibility of getting hurt by meaningless encounters; putting up walls around your sexuality which remains a hidden, alluring and forbidden part of yourself that you control and no one can take from you. All you’re really asking for though is the human being part of a man instead of the penis part. And a position of safety, after a while, doesn’t really feel empowering at all. Yes, you become more intriguing. Yes, men want to fuck you even more now. Congratulations, you’ve achieved your goal. But was that it? Establishing a more human connection by giving power to seduction?

At the end of the day though, after a long exhale and after it all stops spinning, it’s so much simpler to take a step back and not assume what others’ intentions are. To not assume all value is placed on sexuality, especially for men. To not assume that all men want is sexual pleasure. Just because someone is sexual, does not mean that they don’t have the capacity or will for a different type of connection. Sure you might be wrong about someone, sure you might get hurt, sure you might feel extremely vulnerable. But if you think about it, how safe and protected do you really feel now? And if you just let the fear and societal pressure go, maybe, just maybe, you’ll find, as my friend beautifully put it, a connection with someone where you are appreciated for who you are, simply a flawed, sentient human being.

The Duchess is a student at Cornell. Comments may be sent to associate-editor@cornellsun.com. Between The Sheets appears periodically this semester.

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