What are you guys more excited for? The release of Kanye’s Waves in the upcoming weeks, or Sunday’s Super Bowl 50? The correct answer is Waves, but I’ll forgive you for saying the Super Bowl. That should be pretty awesome too. In light of the biggest sport event of the year, I think it’s the appropriate time to unveil the biggest sport’s theory of all time, philosophized by yours truly. I offer you, The Fate Theory. Using this theory, I can almost certainly guarantee that the Broncos will win the Super Bowl this upcoming Sunday. How did I conclude this? Well, let’s dive into The Fate Theory, my friends.
Almost every sports champion of all time has had some sort of storyline surrounding the circumstances of their championship. I’m going to argue that the magnitude of these storylines can accurately explain past champions and predict future champions. For example, the 2012 Ravens were destined to win the Super Bowl that year. Why? Because Ray Lewis announced that he was going to retire before the postseason. You can’t have the greatest middle linebacker of all time not win the Super Bowl in his final year. It has to be fate.
Take any Super Bowl champion over the past decade and it’s obvious that fate was the reason for their success. The 2007 New England Patriots were the greatest football team ever assembled. How could they not win the Super Bowl that year? Well, Spygate was responsible for negative fate points. You can’t cheat and win the Super Bowl in the same year. That’s a basic proponent of The Fate Theory. It was impossible for the Giants to lose that Super Bowl. You really think it was physically possible for David Tyree to make that catch? C’mon, it has to be fate.
But let’s look outside the realm of football. In 2014, the San Antonio Spurs defeated the Miami Heat in the NBA Finals. Actually, they didn’t just defeat the Heat, they absolutely destroyed them. This was fated to happen. After the heartbreaking ending of the 2013 Finals, the Spurs gained all of the fate energy in the universe. There’s no way that the sports gods would let Tim Duncan finish his career with a loss to the Heat, the villains of the NBA. Nope, it was only fate that the Spurs would come back stronger than ever before and avenge their previous season’s defeat.
It’s now probably obvious to see that the Royals were destined to win the World Series this year. After their heartbreaking loss in the World Series the previous season, it was only fate that the Cinderella’s of the MLB reward their fan base with a championship.
In 2011, the Dallas Mavericks defeated the heavily favored Miami Heat in the NBA Finals to win their first NBA championship. Were the Mavericks really better than a team featuring LeBron James, Dwyane Wade in his prime and Chris Bosh? Of course not. But once again, negative fate points (also referred to as bad karma) reared their ugly heads. LeBron decided to embarrass Cleveland on national television, and as a result, he cost his team a championship.
What if both teams going into a title game have compelling storylines? Every storyline can be assigned a certain magnitude. The team with the highest aggregate total of magnitude is given the advantage. For example, Team A may feature a star player who overcame a rough childhood in Compton, but Team B features a star player who escaped from a communist country and provided a plentiful life for his family. Team B wins every time.
Now, why will the Broncos win the Super Bowl? It’s actually quite obvious once you really analyze the situation. John Elway, GM and former quarterback of the Broncos, was a perennial loser. He made it to four Super Bowls in the 80’s and 90’s and lost them all. But Elway retired on top of the world, winning Super Bowls in his final two seasons as a Bronco. And now we come to Peyton Manning. Manning is known for his Super Bowl struggles, and has been mocked for his inability to win big games. All signs point to a Manning retirement after this game. And all signs point towards Manning winning this Super Bowl and riding off into the sunset, just like the former Broncos’ quarterback Elway did. This is Manning’s Elway moment. The parallels are unbelievable. Sorry Cam, but there’s literally nothing you can do. It’s fate.