February 4, 2016

BERRY PATCH | Cornell Takes on Hollywood

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Given the dramatic events across campus over the course of this week, rumor has it that Hollywood executives have been seen mucking it up in Libe Cafe this week, asking about potentially turning the week’s happenings into the next Oscar-bait movie for Leonardo DiCaprio to star in if he doesn’t win an Oscar for his performance in The Revenant.

According to some sources who may or may not have overheard the conversations between the studio suits and students heavily involved in the week’s happenings, these are the potential movie angle and titles being thrown around by those involved in the film franchise’s development. Rumor has it that they’re also trying to build off some of the post-Star Wars hype as well. The Hollywood machine at its finest.

Attack of the Trustees: Starring former Disney Channel heartthrobs, this film will chronicle how a tonedeaf board of trustees came to the decision to form a College of Business on Cornell’s campus and not divest in fossil fuel industries while trapped in underground bunkers without a way to hear feedback from the people whom the decision will actually affect in the real world.

The Hotelies Awaken: An orphan, abandoned on the slope, goes on an surprising adventure throughout the (Ithaca) galaxy to bring balance to the force while an army of hotelies need to blow up a big space station that has the power to blow up other galaxies. Super original plot, I know.

The Environment Strikes Back: In wake of the Cornell Board of Trustees decision not to divest from the fossil fuels industry, Ithaca, along with the greater Earth community, suddenly heats up exponentially causing the entire world to melt and eventually implode without any signs of human life. The screen fades to black as Mother Nature has the last laugh while looking over the meeting rooms where the Trustees made their decision.

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