September 14, 2016


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Men, the bar is set so low for you when it comes to sex with women, it is concerning. Honestly, pleasing a woman is too damn easy — all you have to do is make her orgasm. Most of the time, you don’t even need to make a woman cum multiple times, because other men are so shitty at sex, the poor girl will most likely be delighted to have cum at all. And, contrary to popular belief, making women cum is actually not that hard if you invest a modicum of time and effort into the endeavor. I can get myself to orgasm in five minutes, and, if my female friends are telling the truth, I am not the exception.

So, how do you get a girl to orgasm violently while screaming your name? Very simple: You eat her pussy like it is the last thing you will ever taste and you finger her with gentle persistence.

Time to tell you a story so you will believe that I know my shit and follow my good advice. The first time I fucked my boyfriend, we’d both been drinking at a party in someone’s dorm when I asked him if he wanted to come to my room for some mac and cheese. He said yes, and it happened — my first one-night-stand.

The more women I tell this story to, the more I realize how atypical my experience with a one-night-stand was. For one thing, I’ve been dating the guy for two years, which goes to show miracles do happen, I guess. But mostly, I find other women are shocked by the fact that my boyfriend, despite my insistence that this was completely unnecessary, went down on me with gusto. Let me repeat this — this total stranger went down on me, unasked, because he wanted to blow my fucking mind.

Well, let me tell you, he succeeded. This sex god of a man went down on me for so long, I eventually started to feel bad for him — and then began wondering why the fuck I should feel bad for him and focused on enjoying myself. Still, he had to put a solid 20 minutes of vigorous effort into getting me off, and he was perfectly happy to, insisting that I needed to have an orgasm before sex could start. By the time he was done, we were both completely drenched, and I was ready to have the most mind-blowing sex in human history. By the time the night was over, Boyfriend had eaten me out two more times, and his back was covered in the long, jagged marks my fingernails had scratched while I came on his dick again and again.

I share this not because I want to brag that I get regularly fucked by a guy who’s basically the Olympian champ at fucking, but because I know not all men are like this. My first partner acted like going down on me was the biggest sacrifice a person could make, and so after a certain point, I stopped asking him to eat me out and became resigned to the hell that is unsatisfying sex. Too many women have nodded understandingly when I’ve shared this. Men, you really don’t need to do much to impress women. Do you want to be a good fuck? Do you want a girl, two and a half years after the fact, to think back on that one time you fucked her and unironically refer to you as a sex god? If so, you are going to have to grow up — and eat up. Ask your girl how she wants it. Ask her how you can make her scream. And for god’s sake, increase your stamina — women prefer it when sex lasts longer than five minutes.

6900 Ho Plaza is a student at Cornell. Comments may be sent to Guest Room appears periodically  this semester.  

2 thoughts on “SEX ON THURSDAY | Eat Up

  1. So when did the Sun turn into Penthouse Forum? I can’t even believe that you’re publishing this garbage. Is this supposed to be your “Look at us! We’re all grown up and we support sexually liberated women” banner? It’s nothing more than the journalism analog of Miley Cyrus. Have some self-respect.

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