Blowing yourself sucks cock. I say this from experience, being thin and limber enough that I can reach my penis with my mouth. Let’s get a few things clear: it’s only strange that I can actually do it, not that I’ve tried. Every man has tried to blow himself at one point or another. Fact: your dad has tried to blow himself. Fact: So have your grandfather, your brother, the ice cream man and Ronald Reagan. (Oh, sorry — I forgot to say “trigger warning.” If you are upset, just try not to think about any of the men in your life hunched over, sticking their lips out in a fevered attempt at making orogenital contact.) There’s even a word for blowing yourself: “autofellatio.” It comes from the Greek autós (meaning “self”) and the Latin fellare (meaning “to suck”). Personally, I prefer the term “horrible depravity,” because that’s what it is.
I can only imagine that trying and failing to blow yourself is a frustrating experience. If so, I am here to tell you that you’re not missing out on much. There are essentially three major reasons why blowing yourself is not worth the trouble. The first is the shame. Nearly the same exchange pans out every time I mention my talent to somebody. First they don’t believe me, so I bend forward quickly to illustrate the general picture. Once they’re convinced that I’m telling the truth, the questions start. “So are you missing a rib, or do you just have a big penis?” That’s not even the climax of the conversation. Speaking of climax, it’s around here that they lower their voice as a look of mild disgust crosses their face. “So, do you ever —” they begin to ask. “No,” I answer, because I already know what they’re going to say.
Some people will bring up the limerick. I’m talking, of course, about the man from Nantucket (whose dick was so long he could suck it, we’re led to believe). As a matter of fact, I’ve written my own, more accurate limerick on the subject:
There once was a man from the sticks
Who was able to suck his own dick
But it tasted like grime
And it screwed up his spine
Now he’s hunchbacked at age 26.
This brings me to my second point, which is that it hurts. The minimum amount of required folding, bending and oscillation are more suitable to a pretzel or a pipe cleaner than to vertebrae and ligaments. If you get off sexually on neck pain, you’re honestly better off just choking yourself. With your hands, I mean.
The third and most controversial reason I don’t like blowing myself is that it’s too gay. Don’t get me wrong; I’ve ejaculated in the presence of men and women alike. I’m certainly not opposed to doing things on the basis that they might be gay. What I mean to say is that autofellatio feels more like you’re sucking a cock than getting your cock sucked. You know how you can’t tickle yourself? It’s like that.
You may object here. Surely autofellatio is a masturbatory act, and surely a masturbatory act cannot be gay or straight since there’s no partner involved. I beg to differ. If, during the Lewinsky hearings, Bill Clinton could argue that oral sex isn’t technically sex, then certainly blowing yourself isn’t technically masturbation. Regardless, playing games with the semantics of masturbation and gayness overlooks a critical fact. Insofar as a solid blowjob entails solid eye contact, autofellatio cannot constitute a solid blowjob without the aid of a precariously balanced mirror. The intrepid autofellator also misses out on the subtle pleasantry of gentle nutsucking, since from his point of view his nuts are upside-down.
There is perhaps one benefit of being able to autofellate. Somebody who can blow himself should, in theory, also be able to lick the clitoris of a lady while simultaneously having penis-in-vagina sex with her. I’ve tried this twice without success. (There is an obvious male-on-male analogue which I have not attempted.) Both partners reacted with the same curious albeit skeptical hopefulness: “Sure, you can try.” I don’t have a name for this act yet. “Cunnilintercourse” could work, but I am open to suggestions.
I can’t help but suspect that my fervent exposé has not swayed anybody with a penis. Odds are you still wish you could suck yourself off at least once. “How?” I hear you plead. Against my better judgement, I’ll wrap up with a few pointers. I promise you’ll regret it.
If you can’t reach your penis by bending forward directly, you’ll need to use gravity to your advantage. Start by lying on your back, and then kick your legs up over your head. It will help to do this in the evening rather than in the morning, since you’ll be warmed up from moving around throughout the day. It will also help if you have a big penis. This is not required, but every inch of shaft length is an inch through which you don’t have to contort your spinal column. If you are successful, make sure to unfold yourself nice and slowly when you’re done. Congratulations, you just blew yourself. Take an ibuprofen, brush your teeth and pretend it never happened.
Dwight D. Eisenplower is a student at Cornell. Comments may be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org. Guest Room appears periodically this semester.