The Academy Awards were this past Sunday night and they called the wrong name out for the Best Picture award or something. I’m not totally sure what happened, but probably don’t work for PwC after you graduate. Award shows always leave me wanting to watch all the nominated movies I haven’t heard of. I’m not sure what Hell or High Water is about, but I’d love to figure that out. I’m not totally sure who Isabelle Huppert is, but I’m sure she had a moving performance in Elle. Ah, the beauty of awards season.
The Monday following the Academy Awards, I told myself that I would pick one of the many films honored on Sunday and watch it. I scheduled out all the work I had to do that night and finished with more than enough time to enjoy a riveting piece of cinema. I got into bed with my laptop, opened up an ABC live stream and began watching The Bachelor.
While The Bachelor was not nominated for any awards on Sunday, it does rival Pablo Larrain’s Jackie in terms of both formal execution and visual depth. This is mostly an assumption because I have not seen Jackie, but I’m pretty sure I’m right.
One of the main reasons I enjoy The Bachelor is for its ever-increasing levels of suspense. Through some magical editing work, they are able to dilate the otherwise two minute rose ceremony into a full 15 minute process, with enough time for a commercial break too! This week, the titular “bachelor” shocked audience members by eliminating Corinne. No one saw this coming, sort of like how no one saw the Academy Award nominated Florence Foster Jenkins.
Corinne was eliminated after taking the bachelor, Nick, out on a date to several Miami boutiques. She ended up spending over $3,000 on clothes for Nick while on their date, which is kind of like a girl taking me on a date and buying me a used car. Corinne’s elimination taught audience members everywhere that money can’t buy happiness, sort of like how no one bought tickets to see The Red Turtle.
What made this week’s episode of The Bachelor so special to me was the surprise visit by former Bachelorette, Andi. Nick finished in second place on Andi’s season of The Bachelorette, so the tensions were high, sort of like how Seth Rogen was probably high while presenting an Academy Award. The tension turned into sorrow, as Andi brought up one of the saddest quotes I have ever heard. While talking about their past, Andi referenced Nick asking her, “Why did you make love to me if you weren’t in love with me?”
You really can’t write reality television. Well actually I guess someone must write reality television since it’s all scripted. But I guess what I mean is that The Bachelor and shows similar to it are in a league of their own. They allow an audience to simultaneously be gripped by extreme melodrama while also being fully cognizant of the show’s glaring shortcomings. The Bachelor definitely sucks, but that’s not a bad thing. As Viggo Mortensen probably said in his Academy Award nominated performance in Captain Fantastic, “I wonder what will happen next week on The Bachelor?”
Akshay Jain is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be reached at email@example.com. College Stuff appears alternate Wednesdays this semester.