Dear Big Bird

October 16, 2012 12:00 am0 comments
Emily Greenberg

Dear Big Bird,

I owe you an apology. It was wrong for me to single you out like that in the debate. Actually, I have a problem with all the characters on your show, not just you.

Let’s begin with that numbers-obsessed vampire friend of yours, Count von Count. He needs to stop teaching kids to count. All that math is destroying this country. It’s only a matter of time before some preschooler realizes that my plan to increase military spending and cut taxes without raising the deficit is mathematically impossible — and that PBS only accounts for .012% of the budget. I’m going to find some loopholes to pay for the $5 trillion added by those cuts without further burdening the middle class. Really, I am. 

Then there’s Cookie Monster. Apparently, he recently changed his stance on cookies, said they were only “a sometime snack” and started eating eggplant. This flip-flopping is not a good value to instil in our children. It’s almost as bad as my opposition to Obamacare and renunciation of the greatest achievement of my political career. Clearly, the Cookie Monster is just capitulating to all those health conscious liberals like Michelle Obama and Mayor Bloomberg. Who cares if you eat a bunch of cookies and get really fat and sick? Only health conscious liberals who think everyone should have health insurance. Under my health plan, Cookie Monster’s preconditions — obesity and cavities, not to mention probable diabetes brought on by an excessive amount of glucose — would disqualify him from getting coverage so hardworking insurance companies wouldn’t have to take care of his large posterior. Like I’ve said before, we don’t have people who die because they don’t have insurance. And let the record show, I like cookies. Just not cheap ones from the 7-Eleven in Pittsburgh.

Then there’s Oscar the Grouch and that whole living in a garbage can thing. We should all buy into the American Dream of homeownership. That definitely won’t facilitate another housing bubble. No way. Oscar is making homelessness too trendy, especially since I don’t care about homeless people who don’t pay income tax. Like I said in that CNN interview, I’m not concerned about the very poor. I’m only concerned with people who pay taxes, like corporations. As far as I’m concerned, Oscar sets a terrible example by not paying his income tax and emphasizing the myth of the American Dream.

Don’t even get me started on Bert and Ernie. How can PBS pretend they’re not pushing a gay agenda here? Marriage is between a man and a woman, not muppet and muppet. The Bible says so. Seriously, I’m a real social conservative now, I promise.

Let’s not forget Kermit the Frog, insidious environmentalist that he is. True, he might be the most adorable frog that ever existed, but don’t be fooled: He’s selling our children environmentalist propaganda. Don’t even pretend that “Bein’ Green” is really about celebrating racial diversity (Trust me, as an Anglo-Saxon with a special relationship to other Anglo-Saxons, I know diversity when I see it.); it’s a conscious hippie attempt to brainwash our children into caring about the environment. All those tax breaks Obama gave to green energy haven’t done anything. It’s energy independence that’s going to save this country, even if it means cutting down a few trees that are the right height in Michigan. 

It was also a bad move when the show finally cast strong female characters like Zoe and Abby Cadabby. We wouldn’t want our daughters to get any crazy ideas, now would we? They might start thinking they can make their own decisions about their bodies, that their employers should provide them with birth control even if that employer is a good, honest, religious man like myself. We shouldn’t expose our daughters to these crazy ideas. As the father of five sons and no daughters, I would know.

Another thing: the street itself. Sesame? Like the chicken? Just more evidence that China owns us. We should name our streets after good old American chickens and chicken restaurants, like Chick-fil-A, which promote solid American values like intolerance and discrimination.

Listen, Big Bird. I’m not against television shows that emphasize education. Just ones that appeal to lower socio-economic classes who can’t afford preschool and rely on federal aid programs, which I will greatly reduce, to pay for college. Really, education is a great thing — for those who can borrow money from their parents.

Don’t take it the wrong way, Big Bird. It’s not just you. It’s not just Sesame Street or PBS. It’s the National Endowment for the Arts and NPR too. All arts funding has to go, even if it only takes up a fraction of the budget. Even though I could fund the entire NEA out of my own pocket and still be a millionaire many times over. Even though, according to the “Arts & Economic Prosperity” report compiled by Americans for the Arts, the nonprofit arts and culture industry generated about $135.2 billion in economic activity, four million full-time jobs and $22.3 billion in local, state and federal revenue in 2010. I won’t stand for the liberal indoctrination of this country’s youth on my tax dollar.

If it makes you feel better, Big Bird, I understand your pain. I’m currently unemployed too and looking for my next job.

Your friend,