Next month, Barack Obama will be inaugurated as the forty-fourth president of the United States. The world holds its breath, hoping that Obama’s team of the best and brightest, like D.C. Comics’ Justice League of America, will save the day. If we lived in the best of all possible worlds, Obama will solve the financial crisis, resolve all conflicts in the Middle East, and restore this country’s reputation in the world. In addition, he may slay another fearsome beast— the rising costs of higher education.

Back in 1980, every kid wanted the Atari 2600, retail price $199, or approximately a Playstation 3 in today’s dollars. Instead, under the tree, they got a shoe tree, so 1979’s sneakers could last longer. Similarly, this holiday season is not looking very good. With consumer spending at its lowest point since the recession of 1980 (according to the New York Times, in 1980 Americans had “the sort of Christmas that would have made Scrooge merry”), spoiled children around the country will think they are on the naughty list this year.

Fortunately, the price of your soul isn’t factored into the endowment; otherwise Cornell would be running at a loss.

In the past few weeks, the financial crisis has gone from Wall Street, to Main Street, to the Ivory Tower. Across the country, university officials are making statements about the impact that the financial crisis is having on their respective institutions. Alongside shaky assurances of financial health, there are allusions to departmental “streamlining,” spending freezes and cuts.

Ever since the first I.Q. test was administered in 1914, standardized testing has developed rapidly in the U.S. In true capitalist fashion, “prep” or “crash” courses have developed even more rapidly, and at the present time they are in full bloom of speculation and swindling. If you are considering becoming an Atticus Finch Esq., Dr. House, Warren Buffett, or just want to be a professional student, you know you need to take the LSAT, MCAT, GMAT, or GRE respectively. Although many may coddle you — saying your score doesn’t matter — you know that the closer you get to 180/ 45T/ 800/1600, the closer you get to moving out of your parents’ basement. If that’s not enough pressure, your score often dictates the amount of scholarship funding available to you.

Bear Stearns. Lehman Brothers. Merrill Lynch. A.I.G. WaMu. Like Humpty Dumpty, or Lucifer, the largest companies on Wall Street are falling from grace. The king (Bush) and his men (Paulson and Bernanke) believe they can put the pieces of our economy together again, using the best glue money can buy. That’s money, of course. And a lot of it: $700 billion, give or take a few hundred billion.

Stagflation is a technical term which refers to a period when the increasing cost of road trips results in the decline of per capita sexual activity.