Well done. You’ve staggered your way through another fall semester. This one happens to be my last—I’ve also had a last Orientation Week at Cornell, last Halloween at Cornell and a last time I spill coffee on myself on a Tuesday in November at Cornell. Fond memories, I'm making. While I’m on a sentimental kick, I’ll share some life lessons I’ve learned from the Opinion Section in 2008:

The New York Times, the Richard Blackwell of New York dailies, has once again cast doting eyes on Ithaca. According to a November 13 article, the city possesses an “eclectic spirit,” exhibits “palpable energy,” and “has embraced the influence of its colleges to create a liberal, cultural and gastronomic oasis...” And the streets are paved with smiles and gum drops rain from the sky. As I sat in my overpriced Collegetown hovel reading about Ithaca’s “Greek Revivals” and “Federal-style” farmhouses, I was riled by the utopian euphoria. Ithaca may be a lovely place for retirees, families, and people who use “summer” as a verb, but much as I enjoy the quirk, the food, and the vistas, I’ve hardly felt “embraced” by this city.

Election Day is a bittersweet time. Gone are the smear ads, the snipes, the circling cable news vultures. For months I watched the Republican Party eat itself alive and was hypnotized into complacency by Obama’s Bob Ross-esque monotone. No more. Unless we have the good fortune to be mired in hanging chads and litigation for another two months, I’ll have to think of something of greater or equal sleaziness to occupy my time.

7:30 p.m. I add the final flourishes to an extremely political and important article. Freshman year hallmates Shobit and Tucker stop by and ask what I’m writing my column on. They are inspired: “You should keep a chronological journal of the hockey line.” I immediately crumple up my 1,000-word opus on the vice presidential debate.

A sticky wicket we’re in, what with Lehman Brothers, AIG, and all those other fill-your-pockets-and-strip-your-stomach-lining companies burning down Wall Street. Their death rattles snake through campus and creep into the tones of would-be bankers: the future is threatening, the Blackberry and squash lessons for naught. No matter. Doom, gloom, and “information” is cable news’s domain. We’ll chalk the financial crisis up to “English Major’s Revenge” and move on.