And, yes, I liked it. As you’ll recall, a few months ago I decided to touch my repressive roots and renew my vows with the hetero lifestyle. It hasn’t been easy, but let’s just say it’s been a very exciting ride. I didn’t quite know where to begin, but kissing a girl seemed like the natural first step. This proved harder than I had anticipated — perhaps my skinny jeans and oversized pink Vera Bradley tote turned them off? — and thus I decided to start by styling myself as the virile bachelor in order to fully embrace my new high-testosterone, possibly pussy-chomping lifestyle.

By now we’re all aware that Change has swept the nation, but more importantly the last few weeks have brought great change in my life. I’m fully prepared to acknowledge the historic quality of the election, but I bombed my LSAT, I’m getting a job, and I’m moving to New York for a few years. America elected a black liberal president, and I lost my right to get married in my home state of California. I don’t know what is wreaking more havoc on my inner thighs — the LSAT or Prop 8. I’m not going to law school next year, and I’m not getting married. To be fair, I don’t have a promising candidate for husband at the moment, but I’d at least like to maintain the option of getting drunk in L.A. and marrying a call boy. Maybe Barack will let me enroll in the military, where I can find a rock hard man and gain the experience I can use as the cornerstone of my congressional campaign. Worst case scenario, I’ll end up (illegally) turning tricks on the streets of San Francisco, pining for the white-picket fence family I’m still denied.

I had just arrived in Port Authority when I got a phone call from my brother. It was loud in the terminal, so I could barely hear him. “Hey,” he said in his monotonous bro-tone. “What’s up?” “Nothin’ much,” he said, “What are you doing?” I told him that I had just stepped off in New York. Then, as I was opening the doors to 42nd Street, I heard him say “John-David, I had sex last night.” I shuddered at the thought, so I asked him to repeat it once I got onto the sidewalk just to make sure. He exclaimed, “I GOT LAID LAST NIGHT!” Paul and I don’t have the closest brotherly relationship, so I was surprised that he called to inform me of this.

I won’t qualify for affirmative action into law school, I won’t be able to get away with doing and saying unacceptable things, and I will lose my only ticket out of the army.