Carbon Freeze

Fossil fuels suck. I can blame 90 percent of problems on fossil fuels. Illegitimate third world dictators? Fossil fuels got them into power. Illegitimate U.S. presidents? Again, it’s fossil fuels’ fault. Melting ice caps? Toxic air? Destroyed marine life? Rich frat boys who can zip around campus late at night in SUVs, gunning their engines? Well, that’s at least partially fossil fuels, though I also blame trashy television, Abercrombie, and Fitch. But basically, we need to 86 those fossil fuel bitches.

• 1 comment
• Read more
• send to friend

'Why I Think Cornell Is Awesome'

I love The Cornell Chronicle. Nothing screams journalism quite like the University Propaganda Machine that is The Chronicle. Sure, it’s half weekly tabloid, half corporate memo. But the wonderful folks hired by Cornell to report on Cornell somehow manage to pack words of congratulation into each and every sentence appearing on their thick, white, high-cost paper. I think The Sun could learn a lot by trying to be more like The Chronicle. And so, in an effort to begin this learning process, I’ve decided to spend the next 800 words explaining why I think Cornell is awesome.

First of all, nothing is closer to the heart of Cornell’s awesomeness than its Big Red class sizes.

• 2 comments
• Read more
• send to friend

Cornellian Psycho

Career advice for the budding tycoon in us all

It’s official: socialism sucks. A headline this Saturday in the New York Times slapped upon socialized medicine the red-white-and-blue sticker of rejection as it proclaimed “In Massachusetts, Universal Coverage Strains Care.” A-hah! Take that you northeastern, elitist, pinko-commies.

The terrible system, lacking all the proper scientifically documented invisible hand forces Newton describes in Principia Mathematica, was leading to massive shortages — waiting lists longer than those for attending Harvard! And this was all socialism’s fault.

• Add new comment
• Read more
• send to friend