The full text of this article, with the handwritten notes of Sarah Heath Palin, Queen of the Polar Bears, can be accessed via the PDF under "Today's Covers" on the right side of the front page of cornellsun.com

While liberals and conservatives alike have been engaging in debates over the degree of Palin’s presidential-grooming (bride-ing?) experience, and whether or not Wasilla is the 2nd largest city in Alaska, we’ve overlooked a coup d’etat! It was staged by these critters called Semantics and their cousins: the Political Framings and The False Dichotomies. They’ve been creeping up on major news sources for years now, but never have they posed such a risk.

BULLSHIT (Bureau of Unjustified Lies, Linguistic Shifts, and Heinous Insinuations of Truth), which all three of the monsters above work for, has long ago usurped the concept of “family values” and is now re-selling the manufactured product more forcefully than ever. The following are just a few examples:

Last year around this time I wrote about the stigma surrounding the armpit. This year, I would like to welcome the class of 2012 by writing about something that might be worse than the armpit: The Long Islander.

Before this gets too heated, I would like to employ a brilliant distinction between generalizations and stereotypes, described by Gabriel Arana in his article “The Anti Frat-Defamation League” from Oct. 4, 2007:

“Generalizations are necessary for identifying population-wide trends…Stereotypes, on the other hand, take generalizations — informed or not — and bring them to bear on an individual, assuming that the generalization is deterministic.”

Williams Street, Ithaca N.Y. 14850 — Great Neck, N.Y. 11020

A seemingly ordinary car ride home can demonstrate the extraordinary privileges we enjoy in this society, as well as provide some extra fodder for the Thanksgiving table about our nation’s — euphemistically put — ironies (read: hypocrisies). Observe.

1. Start out going EAST on WILLIAMS ST toward HIGHLAND PL.

After reading Kate Duch’s Trustee Viewpoint last week, I started wondering what else, aside from Gannett’s relocation and Helen Newman’s revamping, is discussed at Trustee meetings. Logically, I searched online for meeting minutes from the recent Trustee Weekend — but couldn’t find anything. I soon learned that many Trustee meetings are private.

Ariela: Thanks a lot for being here today, Socrates. The last time we fictionally opined was in my 2005 application to The University of Maryland.

Socrates: Wasn’t your hair much longer then?

A: As a matter of fact, Soc (is it OK if I call you that?), it was. But enough about me. I invited you to my column today to discuss a rather of serious issue — the lack of questioning, and overall skepticism, in our society. As you are a champion of the aptly-named Socratic method for questioning in law cases, and were actually put to death because of your frustratingly hard-hitting questions about Athenian society, I figured you’d be a good guest to have.

S: Well, what exactly is troubling you?

The story is almost trite.

Lecture class. First day attraction. Mocking the professor; flirting. Study dates.

And on the night of the alleged rape, they’re drinking and “one thing led to another.” Fooling around in bed, the female stops a few times, and the male is fine with stopping as well. She, however, is the one to repeatedly re-initiate the tickling and flirting, leading the male to believe that she doesn’t really want to stop.

So when intercourse begins, she whispers “no” under her breath, but the male assumes that she doesn’t really mean it, and keeps on going. The next morning, they leave on platonic terms.

The day after, he’s told that she has accused him of raping her.

Sound familiar? I’m guessing that 80 percent of you think that the male character is completely innocent. Maybe you even thought the girl was a little crazy — the “girl who cried wolf,” or in this case, “rape.”

Jack Johnson’s song “Bubbly Toes” (you know — the one with the all-too-singable “la da da da da da”’s), is inspired by his wife’s feet which are covered with “scars and tar balls.” This clearly helps to prove point-from-column-number-one, that mundane compliments are no longer in vogue. Complimenting your partner’s quirks and “embarrassing” body parts is all the rage these days. Honey, your pimple adds character (truth). Babyface, I love your back dimples (I have extreme ones). Coochiecoo, you have the most beautiful armpits.

Hold up. ARMPITS?! Ugggg. Who is this girl and why (ew) is she writing about (squirm) armpits??

As I know next to nothing about going on first dates or about writing first columns, I naturally decided to write about both. Hey, go big or go home, right? This concise advice list relating to its title has been compiled with the thoughtful input of some friends — who know next to nothing about going on first dates and writing first columns either.

1. Don’t use metaphors.

On a first date, an example of a cheesy metaphor would be to say that your date is a rose. Pablo Neruda can pull that one off. Chances are, you cannot. (But if you try, at least do it in another language, preferably one your date won’t understand. Things sound a lot sexier that way.) An example of a poor metaphor to use in a first column is comparing the column to a first date.