Deckhead:

John Manetta Once Told Me

Body:

9 a.m. 12 hrs. until the Oscars

It started off like any other Sunday; a 9 a.m. mass. This particular service, however, was slightly different than usual. It was delivered in a pre-Vatican II fashion using Latin; it took place in a private home; and Mel

Deckhead:

Vs.

Body:

My girlfriend is going to be angry at me come Valentine’s Day. For what? I don’t really know.

It could be because I have yet to tell her that I am working tonight instead of taking her out to dinner, a movie or anything slightly romantic.

Deckhead:

John Manetta Once Told Me

Body:

Amid Bush’s calls for a surge in troop levels in Iraq, the anti-war left gathered in Washington to express their love for their country — or lack thereof.

All of our most famous traitors were there. Sean Penn was overheard bragging about partying it up with Uday and Qusay at their private mansion (read: sex slave and torture compound); it was a party so exclusive that Paris Hilton couldn’t even get in. Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins turned out to show the world the direct relationship between plastic surgery and diminishing brain function. “Hanoi” Jane Fonda stepped up to the microphone to revamp her image, shedding the out of style “Hanoi” for the more “in touch” title of Jihad Jane Fonda. Sadly enough for J.J. her presence was not as well received as she anticipated. Organizers thought that her appearance would only serve to reinforce the out-of-work, over-the-hill hippy stereotype that plagues the anti-war movement. One official, who asked not to be named, had this to say: “Even talentless Ben Affleck was able to find a role following his performance in Gigli. The least J.J. could have done was to request a cameo in Monster in Law II.” This, however, was just the beginning of a march that was chalk full of disappointment.

Deckhead:

John Manetta Once Told Me

Body:

Hail Mary…

I am the oldest of nine kids: three boys and six girls. If you were to look at any McMorris family photo album, however, you would notice that there are only eight children standing beside my mother and father.

Deckhead:

John Manetta Once Told Me

Body:

Many in the Cornell community wake up in the same state every Sunday morning (read: mid-afternoon). Everyone knows exactly what feeling I am talking about: the “oh man, what did I do last night? Where did my wallet, cell phone and left shoe go? Who is in my bed? What is her name again?” That’s right, I’m talking about Sunday morning amnesia; it is one of the most shameful and pathetic states that we as college students will experience at Cornell. Last Sunday, however, those feelings of shame and embarrassment should have stung just a little bit more than usual.

Deckhead:

John Manetta Once Told Me

Body:

Democrats have hyped up the midterm elections as their Gingrich revolution; their coup de etat; their 1960’s revolution reborn. They have heightened the expectations to such a level that anything besides a democratic legislature will produce a backlash that will tear their party to pieces. They are counting on anti-republican sentiment to carry the day. This revolution, however, will never come.

Deckhead:

John Manetta Once Told Me

Body:

If I was asked to sum up all of my beliefs in just one word, it would be quite easy: traditional values. Okay, that’s two; disregarding my inability to count, I would still say traditional-values (only this time with a hyphen in the middle to make it one word). My column is aimed at preserving the traditions and values that made this country great. My writing has helped me to expound these values to the student body; embracing traditional principles of limited government, absolute moral foundation and support for our troops and their mission overseas. But there is another long-standing tradition that has made this country great: Thumpty’s annual Halloween rager.

Body:

While most of Cornell returned home to visit their families, some of us made the wise decision to drive 22 hours down to Miami. And while most students returned to Cornell with stories that can be summed up with: “I just chilled with my friends from home;” there were still some of us whose tales of Columbus Day escapades begin with, “So, she tells me that I have the right to remain silent and for some reason I couldn’t excercise it …”

Deckhead:

John Manetta Once Told Me

Body:

You might remember Bob Woodward as the famed Washington Post investigative journalist, who teamed with Carl Bernstein and disgruntled FBI director W. Mark Felt (better known by the pornographic pseudonym Deep Throat) to help bring down Richard Nixon’s presidency. He has now set his sights on the Bush Administration.

Deckhead:

John Manetta Once Told Me

Body:

Following a meeting with the Pope yesterday, Albert Edward Ismail Yelda, Iraq’s ambassador to the Holy See, said, “The Holy Father expressed his profound respect for Islam … Now is the time to put behind what happened and to build bridges.”