A couple of summers ago, I found myself in the back of my Jeep with a Canadian, rebounding out of a very serious relationship. Things were heating up and hands were starting to venture south. I slowly undid his belt, then the button and zipper on his jeans. I reached my hand inside his pants and grabbed on. But something seemed different … there was a lot of skin down there. I poked around for a hot second, then quickly removed my hand. Being the nice Jewish girl that I am, I went home that night to Google and typed in the nine letters I hoped would prove me wrong: f-o-r-e-s-k-i-n.

Congratulations — you did it. You got that guy or girl of your dreams to agree to come back to your place and sleep with you. Lucky, lucky. However, there is etiquette that one must adhere to when participating in a one night stand — one night standiquette, if you will. It will help you avoid making the awkward pre-walk of shame morning-breath goodbye kiss any more awkward (assuming that your partner was kind enough to stay the night).

The sex columnists in the past have usually focused on the crazy things they have done in the bedroom or their own sexual mishaps. Not me. Today I’m writing about what no man on Cornell’s campus wants to admit happens. That’s right, it’s time to talk about erectile dysfunction. One would think from Viagra and Cialis commercials that penis fail only happens to middle-aged men. You’re wrong. It’s about as prevalent at Cornell as dinosaur jokes or apples.

In my experience, there are three distinct types of penis fail:

Type One: The Drunk Dick