Deckhead:

Cosmology on the Rocks

Body:

I never thought it would happen to me. Not in my wildest dreams. I thought she and I would be together forever; I thought she would always be my boo; I thought we would grow old and gray, get all our organs replaced, get cynical and walk really slowly … together. I thought we would have endless nights of passion and baby-making. Like a flower leaning toward the sun, I turned to her.

Deckhead:

Don't Miss Out

Body:

On Wednesday night I had a date lined up with someone whom we’ll call The Scum Bag (TSB). Several days prior, I heard him talking to his cronies about how many girls he’d macked on Spring Break, and I immediately thought about my column. This guy, I thought, would certainly add some spice to the restaurant/date series. So I asked him out. At first he was thrilled by the idea of a review, which I swore would remain anonymous. But, just a few hours before our scheduled dinner plans, TSB called and canceled. That scum bag.

Deckhead:

WTF, Mate?!

Body:

In October during my senior year of high school, during the panicked chaos that is the college application process, I was driving home from one of many overachiever meetings. Applications were due in a few weeks, we still needed funding for the literary magazine, apparently I was supposed to take the SATs … my sleep deprived, stressful future loomed in front of me with no escape plan. Suddenly, I had an epiphany and stopped, almost causing a five-car pileup. “Mom,” I said on my cell phone, ignoring the honking cars, “I can’t go to school next year. I don’t care what I do, but I have to take the year off.”

Deckhead:

Infomaniacs Anonymous

Body:

I’ll be honest: I’ve never been crazy about John Edwards. With his million-dollar smile, his finely groomed hair and his good-old-boy charm, the man has always reminded me of a used-car salesman — though I’d probably respect him more had he made his millions selling lemons instead of suing doctors.

Deckhead:

If You Can Keep It

Body:

My room is overrun with donkeys.

(And, no, Dear Reader, don’t worry: that line, to be sure, is not just a product of your imagination, the source of which is doubtlessly still recovering from a Spring Break spent in places where umbrellas are available only in toothpick form.)

Deckhead:

Between the Lines

Body:

The separation of church and state is a fundamental principle of American government, but its meaning is often murky. Several friends of mine have commented that they consider it wrong for laws to be based on religious beliefs: In their eyes, those who advocate laws on such a basis are fanatics. This is not a helpful way to view the issue, and betrays a certain misunderstanding of religion, and the religious approach to life. Thoughtless and dogmatic views of any sort are a problem; religion as such is not.

Deckhead:

Tequila Sunrise

Body:

“Baldwin,” said I. “Carlos Baldwin.”

By informing the receptionist at the Bellagio that I was, in fact, the long-lost Baldwin brother who was birthed in Mexico and remained as yet unrecognized by the Baldwin patriarch — even though I could drink him and any of his assorted children under the table — I was able to assure that the hotel would bump my friends and me up to the penthouse suite.

Deckhead:

Free Weitz

Body:

Over the course of Spring Break in Costa Rica, my friends and I encountered a cornucopia of interesting people. Delayed for nine hours in Newark Airport during Snowstorm ’07: The Sequel, we met individuals from across the world, all equally agitated by our airline’s unstellar service and eager to swill back Beast at the airport bar. This column has already brought me far too many legal headaches, so I won’t say which airline it was.

Deckhead:

The Sampling

Body:

I’m finishing Cornell and after four years, I’ve done a lot. Eight straight semesters and decent grades. I’ve toughened up. If it’s not only the academic pressures, it’s also the laundry list of undergraduate traumas — homesickness, culture shock, isolation, inadequacy, tumultuous relationships, spots of depression and weight gain. Been there, done that. I actually managed them fairly well, with the help of family, old friends and school friends. Unfortunately, there were other times when I needed more support.

Deckhead:

Gain Through Loss

Body:

In the open, grassy plains of East Africa, a pack of jackals hit the jackpot.

A massive elephant lies motionless on its side, the hot noon sun beating down on its large folds of thick leathery skin. Its muscular trunk lay curled up on the plain, and, covered in sun-baked mud, a fragment of its large ivory tusk is revealed.