7:00 a.m. is too early. Course Enroll, what pre-enrollment is commonly referred to at Cornell University, should not be so early in the morning. A better time would be more like 9:00 a.m. 9:00 a.m. is early but it isn’t too early. You can wake up at 9:00 a.m. and enroll in courses and continue with your day, seamlessly. For example, if you have a class at 10:10 for which you typically wake up at 9:25, it’s not too much of an inconvenience to wake up a half-hour earlier, at 8:55, to enroll is classes. 8:55, by the way, to allow for five minutes of preparation. This involves turning on your laptop, connecting to the internet and dealing with that general early-morning fogginess.

Halloween at Cornell is a pretty terrifying thing. I’m pretty sure that over the course of the weekend, I danced with exactly two naked girls, 16 Lady Gagas and one very drunk, very enormous and very velvet penis.

But it doesn’t take a decked out holiday and copious amounts of alc … candy … to scare me on this campus. In fact, I’ve got a pretty long list of fears that pop up all year round.

Last week’s panel on program houses, which was sponsored by The Sun and the aptly titled STUC, held the promise of reinvigorating our stale debates. Did it succeed?

In some ways, yes. The event allowed minority representatives to publicly articulate their concerns. Zach Murray ’11 noted the academic and social difficulties he faced as a freshman from a “90 percent black” neighborhood. As one of the few minorities in his dorm, he was not made aware of academic services or diversity resources. Ujamaa, he said, provided him with the support system, indeed the family, that would guide his undergraduate experience.

Rogue, the X-Man, has the superpower of sucking the life out of everything she touches. Palin, the ex-governor, can relate.

The first time she unleashed her great power, you’ll recall, she killed John McCain’s 2008 election bid (albeit not an extraordinary feat). Then, mere months after returning to Alaska, she terminated her own governorship amidst mounting ethics complaints — and mounting speculation that her 15 minutes of fame might be up.

It probably comes as no surprise that college students make up one of the unhealthiest demographics in the country. Part of it comes from the “invincibility-complex” that plagues every incoming freshman. Trust me, I’ve been there. I can’t even begin to count how many times I headed to class in shorts and a t-shirt when the temperatures were below freezing outside. But then when you graduate, you realize just how senseless you were all those days and you finally understand that if you actually took a few seconds to take care of yourself that you wouldn’t have been sick as often as you were.

J: Yo, whattup bitches? It’s your two favorite (by default) Cornell sex columnists (from this year).

J: We like to aim for the stars.

J: So, I’m sitting here in my boxers waiting for Jess to touch it.

J: I’m not going to touch it.

J: C’mon, you can type with one hand!

J: I thought you hated hand jobs.

J: This is true. I do, however, like hand jobs from girls with tiny hands so it looks Honey-I-Shrunk-the-Kids-disproportionately-huge.

I often daydream about beating up my enemies. Usually in these daydreams, I’m wearing an awesome Wonder Woman costume.

I approach said naysayers and say, “Naysayers?”

“Yes, Julie?” Except instead of Julie they use a word that starts with B and ends in -itch.

“Hiyaaaaaaaaa!” (Those are my mad ninja sounds.) “Prepare to get an ass whooping!”

And then I whoop their respective asses.

To what extent do we know how to know?

In response to the global economic crisis, people have been debating what went wrong and how we can prevent a future collapse. There are those who advocate the full-fledged transformation of our financial institutions — stricter regulations and an end to sky-high bonuses that promote risk-taking behavior. Others suggest a change in societal values — curtailing the off-the-charts consumption and insatiable greed that permeated the subprime era.

Historical precedent has been getting a lot of play in the news lately. Whether they’re discussing financial collapse or imperialist expansion, decaying morals or civil rights, pundits love to center on a few, oft-cited examples: the Great Depression, Vietnam, Hitler. By mixing historical anecdote into their analysis, the talking (and twittering) heads try to add a touch of gravity and validity to their arguments.

One of my Facebook friends posted a status that was all, “Why can’t The Sun publish educated opinions?” So, here goes nothing: David Foster Wallace is the poor man’s Thomas Pynchon ’59. Pynchon is the pretentious man’s Vonnegut ’44. Bam. Moving on.

Last weekend, my friend (who has recently found the man of his dreams) expressed his concern over my own lack of significant other. Heretofore, I’ve remained relatively indifferent on the subject. But then he told me that boyfriends buy you things. Suffice it to say, I’m down.