If you didn’t see the homecoming parade, you’re not the only one. The crowd was anemic for reasons ranging from weather to unawareness. The procession, on the other hand, was as hearty as they come. In tow were 25 student groups displaying, for Cornell, unusual vigor and costume coordination.

The vomiting sure didn’t help. With the intensifying stench of bullshit emanating from the whole Balloon Boy Fiasco the Heene family, specifically their sleazy patriarch Richard, needed a near-perfect performance from B. Boy on the morning talk-show circuit. He’d have to pour on the cuteness. He’d have to kill ’em with innocence. He’d have to make America want to reach through their TV screens to pinch his little cheeks, tussle his hair and send the little rascal on his way.

A few weeks ago, I picked up The Sun to see yet another attack on Darwinian evolution. Fellow staff columnist Judah Bellin ’12 poo-pooed those of us who detract from evolution’s detractors. He pointed to massive atrocities committed by ruthless dictators in Darwin’s name. He claimed that biologists’ dogmatic support of a single theory is hypocritical. I rushed to a computer to e-mail Bellin my response.

A few weeks ago, I picked up The Sun to see yet another attack on Darwinian evolution. Fellow staff columnist Judah Bellin ’12 poo-pooed those of us who detract from evolution’s detractors. He pointed to massive atrocities committed by ruthless dictators in Darwin’s name. He claimed that biologists’ dogmatic support of a single theory is hypocritical. I rushed to a computer to e-mail Bellin my response.

There are two unavoidable truths that many people don’t tell you, and if they do, you’re bound not to take them too seriously. The first is that the more you stress, the more you spend. The second is that the more you stress — unless monitoring it greatly (which can also be another factor for stress, right?) — the crappier you eat. Because there’s no time to do otherwise, and when there is, you’re just too tired to cook something healthier.

There are two unavoidable truths that many people don’t tell you, and if they do, you’re bound not to take them too seriously. The first is that the more you stress, the more you spend. The second is that the more you stress — unless monitoring it greatly (which can also be another factor for stress, right?) — the crappier you eat. Because there’s no time to do otherwise, and when there is, you’re just too tired to cook something healthier.

You know, the other day it dawned on me that I am an awkward turtle to the n-th degree.

Now, I know, I know, you’re all saying to yourselves, “But Cristina, you are très cool. You’re column is genius; your witticisms, witty; your flair, flair-like.”

Indeed, this is all true. But while I sound good on paper, in reality, the length of this column is about the length of my response to someone in casual conversation. In other words, I talk too flipping much.

When asked a simple yes or no question — “Do you believe in evolution?” — then presidential-hopeful Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz) responded with anything but his famed “straight talk”: “I believe in evolution,” he said, “But I also believe, when I hike the Grand Canyon and see it at sunset, that the hand of God is there also.”

In February, The New York Times published a piece entitled “In Tough Times, the Humanities Must Justify Their Worth,” pointing to the declining numbers of humanities majors amidst their ever-more difficult marketability in today’s economy. With a much more steady demand for graduates in “technical” fields such as engineering or healthcare, the examination of “what it means to be a human being” is now “a great luxury many cannot afford.”

But are humanities so unmarketable?

I will leave it to readers to reference the source of this quotation. Hint: It was spoken by a world-famous leader when he got a cool reception in his old home town. “A prophet is not without honor,” he said, “save in his own land.”

Barack Obama can relate. The President has made great progress in repairing America’s international reputation by engaging in much-needed diplomacy with Russia, China and the Arab/Muslim world only to be dismissed as a do-nothing, dud of a president by his fellow countrymen.