In 1993 Michael Jackson was forced to pay $25 million to the family of then-13-year-old Jordie Chandler largely because Chandler was able to identify with great accuracy distinctive features of the King’s penis.

MJ had a warning system of alarms and surveillance cameras set up outside the bedroom where he unapologetically admitted to having “sleepovers” with young boys.

A photo album full of pictures of naked boys was confiscated from Neverland. He had a drawer in which he kept a collection of his little friends’ underwear.

Michael Jackson represented the dregs of humanity, a scumbag of the dirtiest order, a man who was repeatedly accused of fondling, sucking-off, masturbating to and with young boys.

What a mistake of a human being.

It’s totally old news by now that Ashton Kutcher began coaching high school football. It’s such old news by now that it’s not even really funny anymore. Shock value made it amusing and, of course, Kutcher’s past as MTV’s original prankster made it semi-unbelievable. But now, a week later, nobody cares.

Actually, it’s not exactly that nobody seems to care, but more that the joke has sizzled out and died. Even the poor guy who just learned today about Ashton’s amazing career move will not laugh, and the corners of his lips will only tease upwards for a split second before he realizes he kinda-sorta missed the bus.