Dorky Drunk

For Valentine’s Day, one of my friends got his pre-med girlfriend a set of like 100 beakers. When she was out, he spread them out across her room. That weekend, they threw a chemistry party, and invited everyone to come wearing lab coats. All the drinks they made were mixed in large beakers and served in smaller beakers. We used the smallest beakers as shot glasses after measuring out how many millimeters constitutes a shot.

— J.A.S.

Drive My Car

I was driving behind someone the other day and was pissed off when they stopped randomly in the middle of the road. I realized the driver had stopped at a green light to let backpack-carrying students cross the street.

— M.H.

Runaway Chip

You would think that being selected as a New York Times columnist would spur you to churn out some of the highest-quality prose you could muster. It was surprising, then, when Bill Kristol, founder of the Weekly Standard and scion of the right-wing punditocracy, blessed the Gray Lady’s Op-Ed pages with possibly the worst writing it’d ever seen. Kristol, no stranger to the argumentative essay or the persuasive piece, regularly gave his name to columns that were shoddily structured, shabbily researched and just plain boring; it seemed at times as if the veteran polemicist were doing little more than filtering propaganda into the backside of the front section.

We were pretty consumed with all the talk about Milstein last week, but when someone mentioned that there were flags on the Arts Quad, we perked up — everybody loves a good news story. And the display kept changing shape! Throughout the week it seemed that everybody partook and created their very own alternative flag display. While you were all busy reading about the black flags on the Arts Quad, we caught the five following displays that sadly went unnoticed by most ...

1 FLAG

In lieu of the much needed director, office manager and assistant dean for the LGBTQ community and resource center, a group of disgruntled students hoisted one lonely rainbow flag — representing the measly one person needed! — on the top of the clock tower.

5 FLAGS

Prominent TV commercial actor and occasional swimmer Michael Phelps publicly apologized Sunday for smoking weed. Phelps was compelled to apologize not because he ripped his first bowl and felt just oh-so awful afterwards, but because some British newspaper published a photo of him smoking out of a bong. As it turns out, weed-smoking swimmers — at least unapologetic ones — lack the ability to sell inappropriate beachwear to old, fat Europeans.

To the Editor:

Re: “Killing Satire in Cold Blood,” Opinion, Jan. 30

I just wanted to reassure Mr. Gault that political satire is not dead. In an interview with The Washington Post entitled “Obama Interested in D.C. Schools,” the president said that he was going to use his [position] “as leverage to get kids and parents and teachers excited about the possibilities of an education.”

The punchline? The Obamas are sending their daughters to Sidwell, a school of choice for the Washington elite.

PETA sought to make Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction look G-rated with its proposed Superbowl commercial. In the end, the spot was rejected.

Where were you the day political satire died? I was at home watching the inauguration, of course.

I saw it all go down. I watched President Obama address both America and the world with such purpose, integrity and humility that one thing became abundantly clear: he killed satire in cold blood.

With Clinton’s philandering and Bush’s floundering, the past 16 years have been an all-you-can-eat buffet of political buffoonery for columnists, pundits and comedians alike.

But the electoral process giveth, and the electoral process taketh away.

On January 20th I watched a green helicopter fly away with my meal ticket.

Every once in a great while, when civilization teeters on the brink of the most terrible annihilation and bleakest ruin, one man — or woman! — emerges, bearing a gift for mankind with power so great that it contains the potential to rescue humanity from the throes of destruction.

When early man cowered defenselessly in the face of untamed nature and the merciless elements, Prometheus stole fire from the gods and delivered it to the mortals. When the Israelites were lost in the desert after fleeing Egypt, they suffered chaotic unrest until Moses presented them with the written law of the Ten Commandments. In modern times, when the cold masses of athletic event spectators huddle together for warmth, they are given ... the Snuggie! The Snuggie?

Little known fact: Cornellians receive two diplomas at graduation. The first can be proudly displayed in a Target frame your mom had engraved at the mall, congratulating you on your satisfactory performance in the fields of academia, P.E. and B.S. (English majors, holler back! No? Too early?). The second, we can tuck away in that drawer of folded panties that I assume all adults have — “Congratulations! You are now slightly less socially maladjusted than you were in high school.”

Annnnnnnnnnd we’re back! It's been a VILLAINOUSLY cold winter, but things at HEROES & VILLAINS are starting to get HEROICALLY hot in here. We’re excited … and you should take your clothes off.

We sighed with relief as Cornell announced that it HEROICALLY escaped the wrath of the VILLAINOUS Bernie Madoff. Although the school may have dodged the bullet on the VILLAINOUS $50 billion Ponzi scheme, we found out it’s not all smooth sailing in Cornell’s investment office. With VILLAINOUS budget cuts being thrown at the school from the state, and an even more VILLAINOUS 27-percent loss in the endowment, Cornell faces some tough times. We just hope the folks in Day Hall can foot the bill for those SUPER-HEROIC iPhones. ’Cause they’re just pimp.