I know it’s Day One — or maybe Day Two, who knows? — and we should be tapering the celebration and demanding that the Big O get rolling down that bold new course he so adamantly promised us. But I’ve been waiting for eight long years and I’ll be god-damned if I’m going to recede into soberness just hours after watching honor and dignity finally and dramatically be restored to the White House. I think a star-studded concert in the foreground of a national monument is in order!

Facing charges of fraud, lawsuits from investors and an impending divorce, Marcus Schrenker faked his own death in a plane crash in the Alabama wilderness. He attempted to fool FAA officials with fake calls of mayday, claiming that his windshield had “imploded” and bloodied his face. In reality, he parachuted to safety and sped away on a motorcycle he had stashed away in a storage unit. Schrenker was later spotted running into the woods near a hotel in Harpersville before he was captured.

Being that I am incredibly poor and even more incredibly unemployed, I thought that Cornell students could benefit from some of my job-seeking wisdom. I will not make any illegitimate claims to job-hunting greatness, but let me just say that I have worked summers at a guitar store. Impressive, no?

The first thing that any good-to-great career counselor will tell you is that you’re going to need a great resume. And any great resume is going to start out with a great objective. For this step, it will be sufficient to reword the phrase, “please employ me so that I can pay my loans,” in as flowery a way as your sense of morality allows you.

You’ve got to have a sense of humor to get by at Cornell. With the fluctuating weather, the sometimes near-impossible courses, the even more ridiculously obscure prelims and the generally serious academic mood, something’s gotta give. Comedy offers no better way to balance the C.U. pressure cooker.

Cornell’s Program Board (CUPB) rolls out the laughs by hosting a gamut of comedians to offer their biting wit and spot-on observations. But did you know that there are student on-campus comedy troupes, too? And that a few of said comedians have dipped their toes — even gotten their feet wet — in the waters of stand-up? And, lastly, did you know that these kids are funny? I mean, really, really funny?

I’ve seen enough florescant-tinged signs over the past few weeks, announcing the imminent arrival of Howie Mandel, that news of the comedian’s scheduled appearance had been seared into my brain. So effective were the highlighter-colored posters, reading “HOWIE IS COMING,” my subconscious had begun to anticipate the return of the Messiah. All I knew was that I didn’t know who this “Howie” character was, but he was coming, and he must be a big freaking deal, because not even Obama advertises with neon paper.

Deal!: Comedian and gameshow host Howie Mandel left the crowd at Barton Hall in stitches last Friday night.

A year before Mitch Hedberg’s death in 2005, one reviewer described the comedian’s deteriorating and increasingly drug-addled stand-up act thus: “Commenting that he liked drugs, especially Xanax, but he was happy with anything, several small pills found their way to the stage, at least one of which he swallowed after mumbling, ‘What is this?’ He sat back down on the stage and became the picture of a drunken, washed up loser.”

“If you’ve never seen me perform before, I’m not good live,” announced Daniel Tosh at the beginning of his show at the State Theater on Saturday night. What an opening line. Of course, this was also the first and last time that he would make fun of himself during the performance. With so many other worthy recipients of ridicule waiting to be victimized, he began by warning the audience that “offending people happens” and apologized up-front for the inevitably over-the-line nature of his show. That being said, he still managed to throw some people — or everyone, atually — for a loop.

Let’s face it, Bill Maher ’78 is not the most loved of American comedian-cum-political-pundits on night time television. Bitingly honest, equally-oppurtune satirical and cutting to a fault, he’s alienated religious citizens, conservatives and liberals alike. And yet the one time host of the now-deceased Politically Incorrect and current host of HBO’s Real Time with Bill Maher accepts his lot in life as the comedian who tells it straight. Here’s an excerpt of The Sun’s conversation with the infamous Cornell alumnus:

The Sun: We’ve read that you decided to start your stand-up comedy career while you were at Cornell. What inspired that?

Daniel Tosh — who will be performing at the State Theater this Saturday at 8 p.m. — is a funny guy. The comedian has risen to the rank of Comedy Central elite with his own hour-long specials, and has recently appeared as a panelist on Best Week Ever. Last wednesday, I was able to get him on the phone to talk about jobs, belligerent fans and movie cops. Check it out:

The Sun: Hey, how’s it going, Daniel?

Daniel Tosh: Good, man. How are you?

Sun: Awesome. So you did a Comedy Central special last year called Completely Serious. I watched it the other night. I enjoyed it. You’re a funny guy.

Stop the presses! The semi-HEROIC Inter-Fraternity Council has placed a hold on open parties! No beer pong? No throngs of HEROIC freshmen earnestly seeking drinks, older dudes to make out with and, well, that’s about it? What will we ever do without HEROIC frat parties?! Oh, wait a second, what's that? The IFC has revoked the moratorium?! Hip-hip-hurray! Freshmen girls watch out — don’t drink the “Grey Goose” while on the “official house tour.”