Congratulations, you shining beacon of good grades, better board scores and obnoxiously impressive extracurricular activities: You’ve made it to Cornell, the Justin Guarini of the Ivy League! Now that you’re on your way to Ithaca — also known as the Middle of Nowhere — you’ll need a guide to keep you safe from all the crazy townies, fratty upperclassmen and irritatingly punctilious R.A.s. Lucky for you, our team of crack reporters has thrown together a list of things, based on semi-, mostly- and entirely- true experiences that is guaranteed to keep you safe from embarrassment and bodily harm throughout your freshman year. So, read carefully, dearest freshman, and whatever you do this coming year, always remember ... DO NOT:

As the great Calvin Coolidge once said, “No person was ever honored for what he received. He was honored for what he gave.” Thus, in a shameless grab for some honor I surely will not be receiving upon graduation, I’ve decided to give in a big way. No, I can’t promise a free car or 16 million rupee, but I think I can bestow upon you something close in value: A Survivor’s Guide to Cornell. Yes, I’m sure it has been done before, but still, I would feel selfish keeping to myself all the knowledge I’ve accumulated over the years. Anyway, here it goes:

It’s the final countdown. In less than four weeks, you’ll find yourself standing in the stifling heat in a parking lot on North Campus. Dad will be off parking the car, Mom will be running about trying to find the next available luggage cart, and you, dear freshman, will be one of many, looking lost and confused, surrounded by a barricade of luggage, boxes and things.

But soon enough, Mom and Dad will shed a tear or two and be off, leaving you to face the most exciting four years of your life.

Cornell is an awesome place. Sure, there’s the daily grind of classes, papers and exams. But if there is one thing you take away from this issue of The Sun, may it be this: The academics are only one slice of the pie that makes Cornell so great.