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Silk Blue Stockings
.jpg "Silk Blue Stockings")
There is a land called Passive Agresseeva*, where the subjects communicate solely through tiny typewriters, small enough to fit in one’s pocket, which are attached to ringing boxes. This tiny-type-writer-ringing-box magically transmits messages written in a cryptic language that nobody really understands. The tool of Passive Agresseeva is implemented to mitigate feelings of solitude and rejection, but leads to much miscommunication, misinterpretation and frustration.
Situation A
He Texts: i’m wearing flip-flops
Subtext: I’m sexy and rebellious. Wanna make sweet love tonight?
She Texts: sounds hot
Subtext: Yes, please.
No Response
Subtext: Your eagerness clearly indicates that you are a strumpet. Be gone Jezebel!
Situation B
She I Texts: Ur hair looked good 2day
Subtext: Can I barrow your car?
She II Texts: Didn’t get outta bed 2day
Subtext: What do you need now?
She I Texts: I no. Saw u thru ur window. Sexy hair
Subtext: I really need to borrow your car!
She II Texts: Creepy
Subtext: You’re creepy.
Situation C
She Texts: What up?
Subtext: Hello, remember me? I’m the devastatingly beautiful woman you hooked up with two weeks ago. You promised to call. Why did you promise to call when you clearly never had any intention of ever speaking to me again? I am heart broken, you scallywag!
He Texts: Nada
Subtext: How did that chick get my number? I should really consider taking my digits off my Facebook profile, but then if a really hot girl wanted to stalk me she wouldn’t be able to.
She Texts: Wadya doin later?
Subtext: Perhaps if I make a vague attempt to forge a relationship with you, I will alleviate my feelings of guilt and shame for my indiscretions two weeks ago.
He Texts: Prolly work
Subtext: Most likely I will sit on my couch all afternoon eating Cheetos and watching porn. Mmmmmm ….. I love Cheetos
She Texts: Word
Subtext: I’m going to throw around hip lingo to try and appear cool and aloof. Hopefully I will be able to scrape together some dignity and self-respect and actually wash my hair and go to the library to work on my thesis.
Situation D
He Texts: Where r u?
Subtext: I miss you and I feel neglected/emotionally vulnerable. I have to know where you are because I was a latch-key-kid growing up and I have separation anxiety.
She Texts: Olin
Subtext: I’m out drinking with my girlfriends and complaining about how clingy you are. We are plotting the demise of this pseudo-relationship whilst hitting on pimply undergraduates.
He Texts: Olin closes @ 6 on sat
Subtext: Don’t lie to me, woman!
She Texts: Meant Uris
Subtext: Oh shit.
He Texts: Uris closes @ 10 on sat
Subtext: If you’re going to lie to me, at least do it well. This reminds me of how my mother was late picking me up from school everyday and she said she was at the post office, but really she was banging the pool man.
She Texts: way 2 call me out
Subtext: Double shit! I really ought to know the library schedules by now. I am a senior. Maybe I’ve wasted my college career getting wasted. Jesus, that’s 120 g’s down the toilet. I could have made something of myself. I could have been somebody. That’s so depressing; I might as well drink, because it’s too late now. Tequila shots for all!!!
Situation E
He I Texts: hey bro
Subtext: I’m hungover and angry at the world. In addition, I am supremely broke and I need a good greasy breakfast and cigarette to combat the poisons lurking in my body.
He II Texts: hey
Subtexts: I wonder if we’ll still be friends when he finds out that I slept with his girlfriend. He’s really a good guy. I shouldn’t have done that.
He I Texts: Hungry? im making pancakes
Subtext: These pancakes are lame. I tried to make a smiley face one and ended up burning it. Plus I have no maple syrup. I really just need you to get your ass out of bed so that I can bum a cigarette off you.
He II Texts: yeah i can smell em
Subtext: Not those God damn smiley pancakes again! They’re the worst. I suppose I should pretend to like them since I slept with his girlfriend.
He I Texts: come downstairs & bring ur smokes
Subtext: I am so jonesing for a smoke. I’m going to smoke these smiley pancakes soon.
He II Texts: k
Subtext: I didn’t realize how cheap you were until we started living together. You really need to start buying your own cigarettes, but at the moment I am in no position to lecture you about that given the circumstances. I am such an idiot. I could have slept with any of my friends’ girlfriends, but nooooooo, I had to go and sleep with my roommate’s girlfriend.
Situation F
Andrew Texts: Laguna Beach?
Subtext: Let’s watch some MTV while I squeeze you for column ideas.
Claire Texts: Sure btw i’m starving
Subtext: You can come over under the guise of watching MTV in order to squeeze me for column ideas so long as you bring sandwiches.
*Ganked from Grey’s Anatomy
Claire Readhead is a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences. She can be contacted at clr39@cornell.edu. Tarnishing the Tiara appears alternate Mondays.